The first time I met you, from the moment you said hello, I knew something would happen between us. I never acted on it though and nearly forgot about it since you had a girlfriend of many years already. I knew right away that you were a great, kind, and funny person. After we met, we soon began to dislike each other. Neither of us had any real reason for this dislike but nonetheless, we could barely stand talking to each other.
As time went on, we slowly began to grow a friendship. It took many months, but we got to the point where we could talk for hours and never run out of laughs and things to say. We became best friends to one another. Not long after, you and your girlfriend of many years broke up because you found out she had been cheating on you for quite a long time. You were devastated, heartbroken, and yet you still tried to act happy. I was there for you, along with some of our mutual friends, and we eventually got you to feel better.
From that event, although very sad, our friendship grew stronger than ever before. We went through a very sad experience in life together and helped each other get through it since we were the only ones who knew what was going on. We cared for each other so much and still do. You soon confessed to me that you had feelings for me. Of course, they weren't very strong yet but you felt I needed to know. I didn't want to admit I felt the same, but when I did, I told you, and we grew even closer.
We had late night calls where we would fall asleep on the phone and wake up to each others groggy voice in the morning, we flirted like crazy and continued to grow closer. Months later we were so close and we genuinely loved each other, granted, we were still not together for a few reasons; you weren't ready for another relationship and you wanted to make sure you had your life together before committing to someone like that again. I respected your reasoning and we both decided that we could both do whatever we wanted with anyone else until we decide to become official.
We loved and still love each other though, and I decided to do one thing with you that I never shared with another person. I lost my virginity to you. Something I held onto dearly and wanted to be with someone I loved. And I loved you. It was a wonderful experience and I don't regret it, not even a little bit. I found out you had been doing things with another girl. Not sex, you assured me of that, but I didn't want to know exactly what you did with her so to this day I still have no idea. My heart shattered. I can honestly say I never felt a pain like that. Not when I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year, not when my friend cut me out of her life. I cried and cried and cried. I realized then exactly how much I cared about you and how much I've cared for you for a long time.
I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I guess it's best to get it out of the way... I'm in love with you. All your quirks and everything you don't like about yourself, I love. I love it all. You still aren't ready for a relationship, which I respect and understand. You still say that we have to be open with each other doing things with other people as we aren't exclusively together. I don't want you to know that I'm in love with you because I don't want you to feel bad about not wanting a relationship with me yet, especially since it'd be long distance. I know you aren't at the point where you can be in love with me, and that also hurts knowing you don't want me as badly as I want you yet.
Thinking about you with another girl rips my heart in pieces. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it, I want to be with you so badly. No one else has made me feel this way before. I want to scream from the rooftops that I'm in love with someone as great as you, but I can't. Because the minute I admit it to anyone but myself, is the moment my heart is completely torn apart knowing that you don't feel the same and probably won't be able to for a while. Maybe you are in love with me, you just haven't been able to admit it to yourself yet because your last relationship ending hurt you so badly, but I can be patient. I will wait until you say you're in love with me or end what we have going already because your romantic feelings for me cease to exist. I know that if whatever we have going on now ends, we will still be great friends, but the one thing I hope for every day is that this doesn't end and we can at least give us a shot at being together at some point.
If you find someone else that makes you incredibly happy and you decide to be with her, I'll back off. I only want for you to be happy even if that means I'm not. I can take the heartbreak if it means you found someone that makes you happy. I just hope that person is me, but if not, I'll still love you as my best friend and we will just continue on in life as friends instead of more.
