To those who couldn’t stick around and to the World,
To the ones I loved that couldn’t stay: I miss you. I’m happy your pain is over but it doesn’t make you being gone hurt any less. As different as I thought we were, the older I get and the more I look at myself the more I see you. I wasn’t ready for you to go but now I realize that it wasn’t “Good Bye”. I’ll see you all again, not in this life but in a better one. There is so many things I want to tell you but it will have to wait for now. It’s hard moving on but I’ll be alright. Your memory gives me strength. I love you.
To the ones that didn’t want to stay: Thanks for the kindness you showed for a while. You meet a lot of people in a lifetime and unfortunately most of them don’t make it past the first fork in the road. I’m not mad at you and I don’t hate you. I’m happy to of known you and wish you the best.
To the girl I had to let go of: I still don’t know why the six years we shared ended. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s hard to breath without you and some days just seem to last too long. I miss the warmth of your face against mine and the softness of your skin when I held you. I miss your smile and the taste of your lips. I miss being able to look in your eyes and know everything would be alright. I still feel your hands on my face when you would comfort me when the world was falling apart. You kept the demons at bay and we both know there were many of them. It’s foolish to still be in love with you but I guess you really can’t choose who you love. I would build my walls up so high but you could always bring them crashing down. I was never good at telling you how I felt. I would be screaming it in my head but nothing ever came out. You were life to me. You were freedom and acceptance. You were a sunny day in a pretty dark world. It’s cold without you. I’m haunted by you I see your face every day and your voice wakes me up at night. You were the best part of me.
To the World: By my appearance you think I am weak and you underestimate me because I’m not like you. You only see the shell on the outside that I let you see. I have gotten good at putting up a smoke screen and hiding how I feel. What you don’t see is the demons that stand over me at night or the ones that greet me when I wake up. You don’t see the ones waiting for me at every corner of the room or out on the street. You don’t hear their voices screaming at me just to give up and end it. You don’t see the demons looking back at me in the mirror. You don’t see me praying for a rescue but if you can’t see the demons then you can’t see the very last amount of strength that I have left to ignore their voices and keep fighting. You don’t see the pain I wake up in everyday for the last 25 years. You don’t see how strong I am to live every day in this wheelchair. I carry on every day with or without your kindness or acceptance. Pain and loneliness have been the only constants in my life. You can’t see the young innocent eyes of a 7 year old girl that looks at me like I’m a hero. You don’t see the tears I cry because I know I’m not. I am not asking for your pity but it sure would be nice if you weren’t so cruel sometimes. You’re not fully to blame. I’ve built my walls up so high that I’m not sure I could climb out if I wanted to. It would be nice if you could be more accepting of what you don’t understand. If you took the time to know who I am and hear my story. You might be surprised what is hiding behind these walls.
I’ll see you again. Another day, another battle.
