To the girlfriend of my lover,
Yes, I know you exist. I've always known you existed.
I'm not sorry.
Despite what you may think I am not a horrible person. My heart broke but I am not heartless. I am not selfish as you may believe. I feel for you and your current situation and I accept responsibility for what I have put you through, but I'm not sorry.
Sometimes I wish I was sorry, but I'm not. How can someone apologise for something that made them feel so good? I have not betrayed anyone. I have no regrets about what happened between him and I. I would not change the feelings we felt for each other. I would not change the lust nor the desire. I've done some awful things. I've lay on your sofa drinking wine and watching TV feeling at home in his arms. I've had mind blowing sex in your spare room when you were not home. I've had sex in his car when you believed he was delayed at work. I've snuck around to kiss him like naughty teenagers, getting butterflies from touching through clothes. I've spent nights in hotels being as in love with him as you once were. I know that you're hurt by the things I've done. I know that you hate me and I understand why.
But I was in a relationship with him too. I am as hurt as you are. I would adore his touch and to be able to lay with him on a night. To feel his warm, soft skin. To have him say "I'm mad about you" again. To have him look at me as if there was no one else in the world he would rather look at. For him to never want to leave when we were alone together. He said he would leave you. He promised me a world that he could not provide me with. He gave me hope for a future together. He said a hundred bad things about your character and your relationship. He made out that he was not in love with you, only stuck in a relationship he did not want to be in. Trapped by the fact you were carrying his child. But he couldn't leave you due to some fear in himself. He couldn't take the risk when you eventually found out about us.
Thank you for showing me the type of person he really is. You showed me that he is a mouse and not a man. That he is a push over and trying to win back your misplaced loyalty through pathetic acts of 'kindness'. Trying to repair something that he broke into the tiniest pieces to make out that all is OK. He did this with no consideration about my feelings, someone whom he apparently felt so many wonderful things for. I do not want someone like that in my life. I deserve more. I do not deserve to be second best.
If I could change anything, it would be the way we have been tearing each other down instead of empowering and supporting each other. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want you to forgive me. But if I could just sit down with you and explain, make you see it through my eyes. Maybe you would understand, maybe you would feel less hurt. Maybe it would give you a sense of comfort or satisfaction or vengeance.
Right now you feel as though you have won. But this is not a game, your heart is not to be played with. I hope that you take a step back and see for yourself how toxic and damaging he is. I hope that you can make a break from him and grow in yourself, realising your worth. I know you are scared to be alone, I know that he provides you with many comforts. I too would enjoy the lifestyle he provides so I understand why you want to stay. But please, please do not stay out of fear. Do not stay if being unable to trust him is going to continue to eat away at the amazing person I'm sure you are. Do not let him consume you the way he is. Have the courage to leave.
Thank you again,
His other lover.
