"I love you."
But you never said it back. If I had just a little more sense or a little more self esteem for myself I would have known better. But I didn't.
As I read our old messages on Facebook (because God knows we couldn't talk in person or through text), I smile. I smile because I remember all the pain and bullshit I went through just to be "Seen at 2:48 A.M."
I knew I loved you from the start. You always try to deny it or make it seem "not that important". When you replied within the same minute I sent the message I got butterflies! Was it then that I knew?
Maybe I knew when I saw you in the hall, and you said, "Hey, Shay."
Or was it your smile when I did something for you, something that benefited you but nothing that benefited me?
We connected over music, or books, or a common hobby. And just knowing I had someone out there that felt my pain... Maybe that's when I knew.
But you didn't love me.
It was her. It was always her. Her skin was clearer and she wore different clothes. People loved her spontaneous hair and her sweet smile. I may not could compare but I was damn near trying to. So why did I try to change myself?
Sacrifice. Momma always told me when you loved someone you'll sacrifice for them. And I did, boy did I sacrifice for you.
I bent over backwards trying to make you happy... your happiness was mines... but over time, I started to get sad.
The messages got shorter, the conversations got drier... And then you couldn't even look at me.
I missed you. Because what we had may not have meant shit to you, but it meant everything to me.
I changed. The spark in my eyes when I heard something funny has vanished. My laugh lost its life. Walking in slow motion became the norm...
But when I really knew I was in love, when I gave my virginity to you... I knew. Against my morals, against my religion, all I wanted was you. Was it never good enough?
You were not in love. You moved on. No more conversations, no more smiles.
My nights became horrible. I couldn't sleep and when I could, it was never constant. I found myself heaving over the toilet more often. Stomach pains and headaches were the new cool! Did you know that sunken cheeks and puffy cry eyes were my greatest fashion statement... And seeing you... Chills run up my spine. It was hell. You were hell.
You never really think you'll get over it. But the vomiting will stop. Your stomach pains will go away. Headaches will become less and less. And thank god that first night you sleep through the night without waking up crying! Who was it that said it... only time will tell?
Time.
Time.
Time...
Thank you, sir for my first heartbreak. I owe so much to you... I can smile because I knew pain. I laugh because I cried. I comfort those who are weak in love because I am strong in love! It's not easy. Sometimes I'll hear a song that reminds me of a certain outfit you wore. At the mall I'll see someone who resembles you. And when I hear your laugh, your voice... I smile. Those who share your name now do not get looks of disgusts. It is normal.
Time.
Time.
Time differs, love. But thank you, Mr. Heartbreak. I wasn't ready to love again, until love found me! Poussey said it best... "Maybe I'll get my heartbroken into a million pieces... It's my choice. You can't live your life according to maybes." Paraphrased, but true.
You can't let fear get in the way of life! I did not die... His love is better than I could ever imagine.
Mr. Heartbreak, I still love you. I always will. I won't cry. I'm not sad.
You taught me esteem, hope, faith, worth. Thank you Mr. Heartbreak.
Thank you.
