My name is Parker. I'm a 21 year old guy who, I'd like to think, is a good person. I'm a good athlete, who's a good looking guy. I have some of the best friends and the best family in the world. On the outside I seem like an extremely confident young man. However, on the inside, I am someone who is a prisoner in his own head.
The last few months have hit me like a truck though. I've dealt with concussions my whole life, and I had my 10th diagnosed, and its affected me a lot. It's caused my attitude to change on a dime. I fight with my friends, and I fight with almost anyone i meet. My girlfriend, who I absolutely loved, broke up with me at one of the worst times in my life, and started seeing someone else a week later. As much as it hurts me, I hope that she's happy. But I watched her, my best friend, turn into someone who hates me and said to never contact her. It broke my heart. And if she ever reads this, then my god am I sorry. I feel like complete garbage.
Ever since I was a kid, I've always had a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was something wrong with me. I don't know if I'm mentally ill, or just overthinking, but this feeling has slowly taken over my head, day in and day out. I look in the mirror and hate the person that I stare back at. I despise him. I feel like I break everything that I touch. But I slap a smile on my face when I walk into work, or handball (the sport I play and is one of the few things that keeps me happy), or home. Deep down I despise the person I've become. I spend my days constantly thinking and thinking about what I've done wrong in my life, and I can't stop. I have had to force myself to eat at times, and I barely sleep at all anymore. At times at work, I've had to rush to the bathroom or a hallway because it feels like I'm having a panic attack. I just hate overthinking, but I can never turn my mind off.
Lately, I've wondered about my future non-stop. I've wondered how long I'm gonna live for. I don't know if I should wind up leaving where I live, and travel for a few months. I don't know if I should cut some people out of my life, or if i should try and mend fences with everyone that I've hurt. Maybe I should see someone about what I've thought. I just know I need to get this weight off my chest... and I didn't expect to find the internet to really be a place for me to vent.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. I know that things happen for a reason, but lately it's been hard for me to see the light at the end of this tunnel.
