Almost 4 years since the day I met you, 3 years since we have been best friends, 2 years since I knew this was something, 1 year since I realized I was in love with you, 1 day since the last text I got from you.
I think it is appropriate to say that it is possible for two people of the opposite sex to be best friends and nothing more, thats what I believed we were. I believed wrong. I didn't come into this thinking I was gonna end up head over heals in love with you, shit I didn't even think we were going to be friends. You were one of the most cocky, arrogant, and self-absorbed pieces of shit that I had ever met in my life, yet you were also one of the sweetest, kindest, caring, and genuine person I had ever met. That's what made me want to spend hours constantly talking to you, doing stupid shit with you. That's what made you my best friend.
Our friendship continued on and I was your right-hand gal. All the girls that had crushes on you hated me, because of all the time we spent together. I would tease you because you were too dumb to realize that all those girls liked you. Jesus, I was such a bitch to you sometimes, but you know what they say, girls are mean to the guys that secretly like. The real secret was that I didn't even know I liked you.
I remember getting you together with the girl you had a crush on for months, like any good wing woman would, but I didn't think I would be so heartbroken when she was the girl in your arms. I was supposed to be happy for you, right? I got you together, wasn't that my end goal? Because every time I saw you smile, I smiled... even if I wasn't the reason for your happiness, you were the reason for mine.
I sat through each day of the 6-7 months that relationship lasted, but each day felt like a year when I had to constantly listen to you go on and on about how she was the girl of your dreams and you are so lucky to have her. All I could do was put on a smile and tell you I was happy for you, because that's what I was supposed ti do, right? You're my best friend, nothing more, I should've been happy for you?
I even comforted the girl when you broke up with her, and I've never felt more guilty than I was then, because while telling her "its okay, he didn't deserve you." I was thinking "Im so glad, you never deserved him." I can't look her in the eye anymore knowing that I encouraged you to hurt her.
Then, you started falling for one of my best friends, you still talk about her to this day, how you've "accepted that nothing will ever happen" but you have "always felt something there" and that "she is just special." Its was then that I knew if I could envy a best friend because you had interest in her, that I was too deep and utterly in love you.
Hell, I don't even understand love, I don't know what it is, and maybe both of us are too young to understand it, but If I know anything, I knew that this was it. I tried to hard for you affection, I'd start doing my hair and makeup every time I would see you, and all you would say is "who are you trying to impress today haha," and I could never muster up the courage to say it was you.
You would tell me that I'm the perfect girl and you wished you could be with me, and how I was beautiful and perfect, BUT you could never risk our friendship.
I listened to you go on and on about every girl you'd like, wishing that one day I would be added to that list, and then came along the next girlfriend...
This girl was real, you were committed and I constantly saw you two together. I was happy for you that you had finally someone, but I grew to hate a girl I had never met. I would look at her social media and try to find flaws in her that you would leave her for, find things she had that I did not, find a reason that you would stop loving her. I created an enemy in my head of a person I had never met, and when I first met her, all she did was hug me. She told me about how you would constantly talk about me, and how she was so glad to finally meet me. I wanted to hate her so much, but she made it so hard. She had never done anything to me, besides take the guy of my dreams without even realizing it.
Months into your relationship, you started flirting with me, or at least what I assumed was flirting, you will never admit it, but I knew it was. We always had a flirtatious relationship, but that was something more, and I loved it. I loved each time you would tell me that you wish your girlfriend was more like me, or that each time you would tell me that I would be the perfect girl, but you couldn't leave her. If I was such the perfect girl, why was she the one you were with, why was she the only who you were "in love with."
Then I finally confronted you, I told you that I was hopelessly in love with you and that you couldn't flirt with me, and be with her. That it wasn't fair to your relationship, and you know what you did..
you denied everything, you denied that you ever liked me. You denied anything that we had. You told me that your girlfriend was the one for you. So I forgot about and moved on, I assumed that I had made it all up in my head because I enjoyed the idea of you having an interest in me.
Lets skip foreword to the break up, she broke your heart and you were an absolute mess. You called me every night and I would stay up, regardless if I had anything in the morning, I would stay up til 2am with you and listen to you go on and on about how she left you and how hurt you were. I comforted you, and everything went back to normal. You were back to being my best friend without a girlfriend, but things felt different.
You would send me a good morning and goodnight text, like it was clockwork, you would take me out to eat, you would constantly check up on me, you looked at me different, you always complimented me. I felt like I was dating you without actually being called your girlfriend, and I was certain you felt the same way. I felt like we were finally gonna date. I was so confident.. until I saw that you were the same way with a million other girls. You constantly would tell me that they didn't mean anything, but why would you still talk to them. When I told you I was in love with you for the second time, you told me I was crazy. You told me that you weren't leading me on. You told me that we were just friends, and its always been that way.
You told me that you would never like me and never will, and that i will never be the girl for you.
And thats when I broke, that was when I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't put myself in the vicious cycle of being in love with you. I couldn't even be friends with you anymore. You let our friendship of 3 years go, without even a fight.
3 months went by and I still couldn't even sit in the same room with you, I couldn't look you in the eye. Our mutual friends couldn't invite us to the same parties. Things changed. I woke up to a text from you saying that you missed me, and I couldn't deny that I didn't miss you too. We both agreed to forget the past and move foreword, but things were never the same. There was always an unspoken silence in the room, there was always awkward texts, and hellos and never enough goodbyes. I kept my distance because I told myself that I would never let myself go back through that, It had been 3 months, and I still wasn't over you.
Now here we are to the relative present, our friendship evolved back into this original form, we talk and joke, and I vent to you about boys and you talk about all the girls that you are talking to, and I was content. All my friends told me that old feelings would come back and that this was a bad idea, and I told them that they shouldn't worry because I am finally, 100% over you. I've "talked" to many guys after you, and I am ready to finally move on. We talked on the phone for hours each night, and you did what you always seem to do.
You hit me when I was least expecting it.
I didn't call you with certain intentions, I thought I was talking my best friend and then after 2am came up, a lot of "things" happened. They always say that "nothing good happens after 2AM" but if this was nothing good, then why did we both agree it felt right? If I was so over you, why did I fall for all of this again? You told me you found me attractive and you hope our "current relationship" won't interfere with our friendship, and I thought I was okay with that.
Here we are with me getting flirty and suggestive texts from you all day, and us still being "just friends." but we are more than that.
"Just Friends" aren't like us.
They don't look at each other they way we do. If we are just friends, why do I smile every time I see your name on my screen, why am I only happy when I'm talking to you, why can't I say your name without the taste of blood in my mouth, why can't I look at pictures of you with other girls without my hands clenching into fists, why can't you be happy when Im with a guy, why do you always tell me Im beautiful, why do i only believe it when it comes from your mouth, why are you the reason I stay up every night, why are you the reason I can't date any other guy because I keep comparing them to you, why can't I move on.
If we are "just friends" why are you making me fall hopelessly in love you all over again, as if I ever stopped.
Now here I am at square one, months of getting over you just to get back into to it with you, and I don't know the purpose of this letter, most people would do it for closure, but I don't have closure. As I end this, I already have another text from you, I shouldn't reply, but I will.
If this letter has any purpose, it is to never fall in love with your best friend.
