Hey, I hope you’re doing fine. It’s been weeks since I decided that I no longer wanted to be with you. Although it hurts most of the times, I am also doing fine. All this time that I’ve had for myself has allow me to dig deeper into the circumstances that lead to our separation.
I understand you think I gave up so easily, and trust me, I would probably think the same had it been the other way around, but that is not the case. You see, I was naive and failed to realize that you already had a relationship with someone else. The red flags were there since the first time we hang out together, but I failed to see them. Allow me to explain.
Remember the first time we met? I do. I was nervous and glad at the same time. Nervous because I didn’t know what to expect, and glad because I was giving myself another chance to love. You seemed like a bright, handsome man then. You were honest about certain things, and quite understanding. But the thing that I liked the most about you was the fact that you were open about circumstances in your life and I don’t know if I ever could be that brave. You had balls, and I admire you for that.
We were so happy together… at least I thought we were. We experience new things together, new places we had never been before, but for some reason you still continue your relationship with him. I’m sorry, I was stupid and didn’t see it.
Time went on, you asked me to get “cute” and be ready for dinner because you had a surprise for me. I hate surprises but you still managed to pull this one off. That day was the happiest day of my life so far. You made me feel like a million bucks, but the most important thing is that I knew this was it. You proposed and I accepted. But now that I think back, I’m sure that you met with him hours before you met me that day. See, I was stupid and I chose not to see.
I was happy, I really was. We would go to events together and we had the time of our lives. We would go out and enjoy ourselves. Well, at least for a moment. Everything was fine until he came around. The evening would start fantastic, we would talk, laugh, hug, but after a while of being there, you felt the necessity of looking for him. It’s clear now. He never looked for you, he never asked you to meet with him. It was you who would always go back to him, and our relationship suffer because of that. I Know, I was stupid but I looked the other way.
Most of the times I tried giving you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I get it. I’m not the most perfect men. I’m not working, I’m only going to school. Money is short sometimes, and you probably want more things for yourself. I get it. But I’d like to think that I gave it my all, I gave everything I had and everything I could. It may not be sufficient for you but that is all I had to offer. I knew (still know) things look brighter ahead. We were a relationship. You were supposed to be there for me, like I was supposed to be there for you. Our dreams and goals have “all gone to waste because of me” as you put it, but what you are not seeing is that every time you met with him, piece by piece you took this relationship apart. Call it love or whatever you want but I failed to recognize what you had with him. I was stupid and I chose to pretend it wasn’t happening.
All those times you would come home and ignore me completely I knew you had been with him. You had his scent and everything but that was not the worst part. You were cold and distant and sometimes even aggressive. But I loved you and even after every altercation we would make up and I’d forgive you. I was stupid and ignored the signs.
Now I’m writing you this letter. What was supposed to be our wedding date is just days from now and I can’t help but miss you more and imagine what could have been of us. I understand that it was I who called it quits and believe me, sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. One thing I know for sure, I still love you but fortunately for me, I love myself even more. I choose not to get hurt anymore. I choose not to allow you to hurt me anymore, and for these reasons I choose to let go. I don’t expect you to understand me or forgive me anytime soon. You see, I was stupid then but now I see things for what they truly are.
You may be denying that you ever had a relationship with someone else other than me. Maybe it wasn’t intentional and you were just having fun. Either way, I know that your relationship with him is toxic and it took a toll on us. You may be wondering who I am referring to every time I mentioned him. Let me give you his name. He is alcohol. There are many things I can say about him but what I know for sure is that he destroys. Slowly but surely he ruined everything we had for each other and I will never forget. Thanks to this I will now be more careful and pay attention to the signs.
Now I have my future to look ahead for. I still have my goals and dreams as always, but the only difference is that you’re not part of it. You preferred him over me and there is nothing I can do. I just hope that you don’t allow him to control you anymore because at the end of the day, whether you recognize it or not, you are the only who is being affected by him. Now I look away, not because I’m stupid but because I know— this is for the best.
J.D.
