I never really fully understood you and I wish I did, but you didnt let me most of the time.
I wish you would have asked me about my day more often, and i wish you would have known details as small as why i like tea more than coffee.
A part of me always made excuses for your lack of effort and presence for me physically and emotionally.
I always told myself that maybe you're tired, maybe I've been too clingy these days, maybe you just need some space, maybe you've had a long day and you don't feel like knowing the small, stupid details that make me who I am.
I've always wished you would have trusted me a little more or that you didn't allow the doubtful voice in your head to get between us every now and then.
You told me you loved me quite often, but I felt it quite rarely.
We always said "forever and always" and I chose to believe it
Every atom in my body always brought me back to you even when you started fights over nothing and I ended up sweet talking you out of your anger that I also never quite understood.
I loved you in ways that baffled me and everyone around me. I loved you in the most toxic yet raw way imaginable.
I've always hated it when we'd fight and instead of talking it out you'd just go to bed without a word. I've always envied you for your ability to do that; Meanwhile i lost sleep over it.
Most of the time I wish I knew what you were thinking or feeling.. But you never let me in and I always had to let it go to prevent spending sleepless nights overthinking.
A part of me keeps thinking that if I had been different or done things differently, maybe you would have cared a little more.
See, when you chose to tell me that you lost interest in the relationship but you still loved me.. My heart broke, shattered to piece and sank repeatedly. I couldnt stop shaking as I processed what this had come to.
I couldn't see or hear the "but i still love you" part after you broke my heart because I've never believed in letting things you love go .. And I never will
After that I cried. I cried really hard. I blamed myself for not seeing it coming. I shamed myself for thinking that if you had wanted me back that same second- you could have gotten me in a heartbeat.
Hours passed. But they felt heavier and darker than your average hours.
I'd distract myself with tv shows because being alone with my thoughts hurt too much.
I could have been sitting for 5 minutes straight without thinking about you, but all it took was one little thing to remind me of you and mind you- every little thing reminded me of you..and I'd burst into tears.
It was strange and confusing. Ive always had complete control over my emotions. I didnt understand how I could just burst into tears without an explanation, without a warning. But i guess a part of loving you included not having control over my emotions as well.
As I'm writing this at 4 am, all I could think about is the crippling fear that i wont be able to move on.
I guess your only reason to leaving was that it wasn't for you anymore and that maybe we need time. I understand that.
But this open letter is for you, the guy I'm in love with, the guy i had the most dysfunctional yet beautiful relationship with, the guy that once made me happy, the guy i thought saved me from the darkness, and the guy that gave up and left when it wasnt for him anymore.
I hope maybe we'll meet again someday when we're older and wiser. But for now, until we meet again.
