Dear Depression,
You've been with me for some time now. So much so, that I didn't always know there was another way of existing. You grew as I grew, creeping in to those quiet moments when I thought I was alone, and making my thoughts so big for such a small girl. I took in the world, all of it's light and dark, and from that I made myself. But somewhere in that process you stole my self. You replaced my with your thoughts. Your insecurities. Your feelings. They say depression is feeling only sadness, but eventually you took that from me too. Dear Depression, at 16-years-old you almost took my life. You've left me somewhere far beneath tears and showed me the worst parts of what I thought was me. Depression, my gosh have you taken things from me. You've stolen so much time from this short life, and left me stranded in places that I hope no other person is ever left alone. Sometimes, you even take control of my body. You say things I would never say, or do things I would never do. You shut everyone out, alienate people I love, and make me hate myself for it. You steal my voice. You second guess everything I do. You steal my thoughts and make them your own. You leave me as a skeleton, and a shell. And yes, you rarely take my smile, but anything beneath that is lost. I am just a ghost with you attached to me, Depression. I am not living.
But Depression? I would like to thank you. Thank you for showing me that I will never stop fighting, for making me find and reinvent myself over and over, and for making me careful enough to want to get it right. Thank you for taking my time: it wasn't time wasted. I understand that now, just as I understand exactly what I need to be happy. Thank you for making my thoughts as big as the world around me. I'm different in that way, but I'm so grateful that I am. Thank you for weeding out the people who weren't worth my time, and thanks for helping me understand the depth real friendship will go to. I've never asked anyone to stay, because believe me I know how hard you are to deal with; however, those who have I know will be around for quite some time, just as I will be for them. Depression, thanks to you I know what living is. I found who I am in the light and dark of this world, and it's something much deeper than any experience can shake. Somewhere along this crazy road you've given me strength. Understanding. Perspective. Dear Depression, you are a part of what made me into the strong, compassionate, empathetic, and beautiful mess of a human that I am, and I am thankful for every part of this journey that is entirely my own. I'm so in love with the fact that this life is mine.
Dear Depression, sometimes you come into my life and I am so afraid that you are here to stay. But Depression, you need to know that I am here to stay. I am here to stay, and I can handle you any day of the week. I will handle you, but right now I'm just soaking in this whole beautiful world while you're gone.
