To My Abuser:
It may seem strange that I’m writing to you at all. I doubt that you’ve given me much thought in the time that has passed since I decided to say goodbye to you for good. Maybe you do, but you’ve probably moved on much quicker than I was able to. After all, you weren’t the one who had to deal with the mess that you made; you weren’t the one who had to put me back together.
So, yes; I have thought about you a lot since our relationship has ended. No, don’t flatter yourself. None of these thoughts have been good. Mostly they’ve been along the lines of me hating you for every single thing that you are, and every single thing that you’ve done to me. Other times it has been hatred for myself. I hate that I gave parts of me to you that should be reserved for someone who truly loves me; someone who you could never be. But I have come to realize that we all make mistakes, we are all too trusting sometimes, and that I did what I needed to do to get myself through the time we were together.
It has taken a lot for me to get to a place where I can think about you not with hate, but with indifference. It’s taken a lot of thought, energy, and soul-searching for me to get here, but it has finally happened. There were times when I thought I could never get to this point in life; my pure and absolute hatred for you was too strong. But here I am, trying (and most times, I believe, succeeding) to get my life back on track; writing this letter to you with peace of mind and knowing that you don’t have a hold on me anymore. You don’t control me anymore. I have taken back my life, and you no longer have anything to do with it.
That being said, I suppose I should thank you. Keep in mind that a year ago or maybe even a few months ago I could never have imagined those words coming out of my mouth. But, thank you. If it wasn’t for what you did; if it wasn’t for the lying, the physical abuse, the mental abuse, and the power that you took over me I would have never left you, and I would have never discovered how strong, resilient, and independent I could be. Yes, I could have done without the self-hatred, PTSD symptoms, and the depression that the experience of being with you also caused me. But I realize now that I am better and stronger because of it. So, in the strangest of ways, thank you for allowing me to realize these things about myself. Thank you for showing me what love isn’t so that I could better understand what love is, and thank you for showing me that I do not need anyone in my life except myself and that I especially don’t need someone like you.
I will admit, I am still a little bitter. But I guess that comes with the territory. So, I would like to tell you about how I am doing now. If not to brag about how much better off I am without you then to inspire anyone who may be in the shoes I was who is looking for a sign of hope or even a little bit of inspiration. I am pursuing what I love in life. I am passionate about what I am working towards. I have made strong friendships with those who were there to help pick up the pieces that you left behind, and have met and talked with some incredible women who have experiences that are similar to my own. I am fixing the relationships that I had to destroy when I was with you, and they are coming back stronger than they ever were before. It has taken time, but I appreciate them and myself so much more now. I know what I am capable of going through, and I know that I can bring myself back from it.
This is all great, but I think that my most amazing accomplishment may be that I have been able to find love again. Not only have I found someone who knows everything (and yes, I mean everything) that I have been through; I have found someone who accepts it. He is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on, but also knows when I need to do something on my own. He’s been there for the good days, and has been more patient that I could have ever hoped for or asked him to be on my bad days. He’s put up with more than his fair share of inconvenience, and I am thankful everyday for it. No, we are not perfect. We fight, sometimes patience runs thin. Sometimes I need more and other times I ask for too much. But we work. We talk. We support each other. At the end of the day, we always have each other. And that’s more than I could have ever said about you.
So, my abuser, just know that you no longer hold anything over me. I have moved on in every aspect of my life. Yes, thoughts about you still creep into my mind every now and then, but they are easier to push aside now. I want to end this letter by giving my wishes to you. I hope that you find happiness, I really do. I don’t know why you felt that you had to be as cruel as you were to me, but you must be dealing with some powerful demons to have come to that place. So, the human in me hopes that you get better. But also know this; my hope for you to recover from your own past does not in any way mean I want you in my future. I don’t need to know how you are and I don’t need you to update me. Just know that I’ve found peace, and that I hope that you can feel that someday too.
