You ruined my life. I think about it every day, but I’m sure you never do. I lose sleep. I’ve lost my sense of self.
The relationship you had with my fiancé was built on lies. That is the only thing that brings me comfort. You didn’t know the real man. He didn’t join a gym. He can’t afford a $1,000 guitar. HE has diagnosed bipolar disorder, not me. He didn’t pay a dime for MY new house. He was supposed to handle moving all of our stuff from the new house to the old house because I was overwhelmed at work. I ended up having to go on weekends or after work with my mom’s car to continue moving things over. These are only a few of the things that I can remember he spewed out to you.
He had to turn in his license plate because he had didn’t pay his car insurance. He owes creditors $3,000, his father $3,000 and me $4,000. I paid off many of many his creditors. I put him on my health insurance, which he does not pay for, to save him money. I put him on my auto insurance, and also pay for that. I often paid for his gas. I let him borrow my car and paid for a rental while his car was off the road. I paid his rent when we lived together downtown. I supported him emotionally when he was fired from the record store. I pushed him to pursue his career. I bought him a webpage. I listened to him talk about his clients and work, even though I know nothing about music. I never questioned where he was going or what he was doing. I paid for his plane ticket to St. Louis so we could attend a wedding together and have an adventure. I bought him a PS4 when he was really down on his luck one day. He contributes when he can, and only then. I financially supported him so he could pursue his dream career, while I was working 12 hour days at a job I hate to support us. And this is how he repaid me. He complained to you, told you how terrible I was, how angry I was. Given my circumstances, wouldn’t you be stressed out too? I’m not saying I am perfect, but I gave a lot, and at the very least I deserve answers.
He couldn’t afford anything. That was OK. But somehow he COULD afford to buy YOU Starbucks, and pick you up, most likely burning the gas that I put in his tank. But then again, YOU were important to him.
Did you know I used to travel a lot? And that I loved it? I’ve also been to Spain, but he never asked me about it. I want to travel more, but the burden of his finances (and now my lack of trust) prevents me from travelling.
He told you about his asthma attack and how his mom had to help him. I got up at midnight, drove the nebulizer to him, drove back slowly while he followed me, and stayed up with him until 3am until he fell asleep because he was scared. I still got up the next day at 5am for work. But he left my part in that story out. Not important, right? Weird he would leave that out, but somehow I think he left out anything positive about the woman HE proposed to.
I showed him my favorite song by Josh Ritter. It was personal. Very personal. It had a special meaning to me. I even took him to a JR concert to share something special to me with him. He did a cover of my favorite song “for me” with you. He came home and presented to me like a gift; I loved it. I played it every day on my way to work. I had no clue it was a sexy duet with the girl he really loved. He turned around and told you it reminded him of you, and how it was bitter sweet because it reminded him of you, but when you left for Spain. I hate Josh Ritter now.
He wrote you a song, about how he wishes he could do things over and have a second chance at a “first dance”. He would later tell me he didn’t remember writing it. Then he went back and said he wrote it about me. But I know this is a lie. It was about you. And how he wishes he met you sooner.
He told you he wanted to run away to Nashville. Because apparently the weight of having someone else support you in every way possible can be too much for a boy. I was the one that wanted to move to a big city. He was the one that convinced me to move out of the city and buy a house in the suburbs.
I thought how weird it was the one time he told me not to go to an open mic night with him, he never wanted to go in general, let alone by himself. He was secretly meeting you. I was the one that pushed him to start going to those to promote himself for his career, and look how that backfired. He would later tell me that he didn’t know you were going to be there, it was just a coincidence. I’m sure we both know that that is another lie.
He told you he loved you. How beautiful you were. How you brought out the best in him. Thank you for getting his best, while I took care of his worst, and I still loved him and supported him. I wish I could have been rewarded with his best after all I did for him. But I guess you have to have the voice of an angel and be ten years his junior to relate to the “real” guy.
While all of this romance was blossoming we were engaged. I proudly sported an owl ring as an engagement ring while he saved up for a diamond. I didn’t care, I loved him. The day before my birthday, he surprised me with my diamond ring. During this time, he was sneaking out of bed at night to tell you how much he missed you while you were in Spain, and how much you meant to him. He told you how flattered he was that you compared him to Mark Ruffalo, your celebrity crush. He confided in you about what celebrities he thought were sexy – something I had asked him for fun many times, to which he would say he didn’t have any and would promptly end the conversation. He would tell you all of the things he thought you wanted to hear. He had inappropriate conversations with a teenager.
He accused me of cheating on him, countless times. In one instance because I was too nice to one of my brother’s friends, who just moved back to town and was frequently alone. Perhaps he was projecting his own actions.
You had inside jokes. All of which him and I already had. We had tons of Harry Potter jokes, which he used with you and claimed them as original. He claimed that he couldn’t joke around like that with anyone else but you. Um what? I have been to HP land. I have a wand. I waited in line for every book at midnight. All of my friends know I am a HP fanatic. But apparently he didn’t, that or he was feeding you another lie to get close to you. The latter is more likely. Interesting enough, my ex-boyfriend of only a few months knew enough about me that he was the one that bought me a ticket to the HP amusement park.
You sent him a postcard and bought him gifts, which he conveniently left at work or hid in his backpack that my brother bought him for his birthday.
He told me that you both agreed to keep your relationship a secret. That he told you I wouldn’t understand, so it was for the best, that you knew he was hiding things from me and thought that this was a good idea. Did this feel right to you?
All the while – through these proposals and accusations, he was sneaking around behind my back with you. When caught, he claimed you were his best friend and you were going to be invited to our wedding, then a week later claimed he wasn’t ever going to talk to you again once you left for college, and you were not going to be invited to the wedding. I still don’t know what to believe.
If you were his best friend, why did he lie about you the countless times I specifically asked how his interns were? Why wouldn’t he tell me about his best friend that I asked about? Had I not found out, would he still be sneaking around with you? Would things have gotten physical? Maybe they already did.
He fed you lies. You bought them. Do you still love him now? I’m not really sure that in the end you got the best of him. I’m not really sure that he has a best to give to anyone but himself. You were clearly the more mature person – why didn’t you end it? Why didn’t you think it was all so wrong? You are no pure, innocent person. You should have known how inappropriate this all was. You are old enough. But perhaps the reason you two had such a great connection was the common ground of immaturity. At least you might have time to change your ways while you are still young. But if nothing else, feel pride in the accomplishment that you have emotionally and mentally destroyed the person that was “your best friend’s” biggest fan and supporter. And that every day I will wonder why he did this to me and what you offered that I couldn’t.
I forgave him because despite all of his shortcomings, I love him. Just as he loves me despite all of mine (or so I thought). I will continue to support him and his career, despite it being the reason I had to meet you. But I don’t know you, and I don’t love you. I only know what I read in the 500+ secret Facebook and text messages. I only know that you stole my hero, music, and self-worth. I forgive him, but I do not forgive you.
So good luck in the Big Apple. He was just a warm-up for some of the people you will meet in the City – I would know, I used to live there (you probably didn’t know that). Maybe you will become one of them, maybe not.
