I know this will be hard for you to hear but this is a story that has to be told.
Your words – they affect me harshly every time. Amma, you told me dark skin, black skin was ugly. You embedded it in my mind from an early age. “You look nice even if you’re black”, “don’t sit in the sun, you’ll get darker” you would say or simply “kari”, would be something you would say when you’re angry with me as though that would suffice to be an acceptable thing to vent out. Amma, even your well meant words will sting because they are fundamentally belittling me when you dismiss someone’s daughter, fiancée or wife about something they did, a family problem probably and you would you would for some reason see them as a disappointment because they are black. Amma, you destroyed my confidence because of my skin colour and my weight. I intend on losing weight to be healthy and in shape but in the current state of my weight what is its problem and especially with being black. It must be a bad combination. You destroyed my confidence and you did it, maybe knowingly or you’re oblivious to it. You did it consistently and thoroughly throughout my life and shoved me in one tiny corner, amma. Amma, maybe you’re oblivious but every word you said cut my heart.
Amma, as a fair woman yourself, I feel you were trying to set a hierarchy that compares me to you as less of an equal to you and dare I say it to your other fair daughter. You betrayed me and allowed me to wallow in pain and if ever I mentioned it to you, you should know Amma, in case you did not, that colourism and racism or whatever you want to call it, is wrong.
All races are beautiful. Black is beautiful and white is beautiful. There is not distinction, Amma. There has never been any distinction in the order and disorder of nature, hence, why should there be in your pathetic culture and traditions that you hold your illusory thoughts to, Amma? Please do not perpetuate a culture that oppresses me and oppresses you, as a human being as it divides us all in a sick and twisted way, Amma.
I still hear your words and Amma they still hurt. You expected this, I guess. “An ungrateful lecture from an ungrateful and after all, a black girl” is how you would put it and how have put it. When I tell you to stop being you obsessed with colour, you would laugh it off or laugh at me or both. If this is funny to you in any way Amma, it is your personal joke because to me it is not, as it is not for many, many others.
Amma, and then there are those days you would tell me I am beautiful and I would feel happy only to be then torn apart by a snide remark about how that is a slight improving considering I am black. Amma, please stop perpetuating a culture that oppresses my colour. I am beautiful. Amma, it seems you will not see past my skin colour, I guess.
What point is there in mentioning Appa, who is black and who openly belittles my blackness as ugly and if ever he chooses to call be beautiful then its again like you say uncomplimentary due to my skin colour of course. I expected him to understand the dynamics of racism and race politics as he would always speak against it, yet it seems it only applies to males as though that is supposed to be a valid point. Hypocrisy at its finest. It seems just like it is to you as it is to him, I, your daughter, in your opinion has been infested with the black condition. How sad I feel for your lives for letting your minds even wander there.
You expect too much from me. Respect should come naturally from the heart but how can I try to begin appreciating the sacrifices you made to bring to me to earth when you dehumanise me every day. I try but sometimes feelings of pain and sadness overcome me, Amma. To me the order in which values are arranged have changed such that regret seems more fitting than respect – I regret wallowing in pain during my childhood years because you allowed me to grow up insecure and that I could have been a confident, carefree child, had you not hurt me with your words, had it not been for your actions, Amma. It was a painful journey, Amma.
You expect too much from me.
Every word you say should apply to what you preach but honour in your case seems to outweigh all. Yet what will all of it amount to? Honour though it is important will not rule my life.
You seek honour when I seek love and appreciation. Maybe it is too far-fetched an imagination. Just know I am not you and I will honour my life with love and not love my life for mere honour.
