An Open Letter to the Haters and Shit Talkers Who Think I’m Single and Pathetic.
Being in a relationship is frosting on the cake, but it’s not my whole cake.
By Gwendlyn Snider
I’m one week short of 36 years old, single, not dating anyone at the moment, and have no children. Yup, it’s just, me, myself, and I in my very cozy studio apartment in San Francisco, CA. I don’t even have pets. Here’s the most important thing that you need you know about me: I’m happy, fulfilled, and excited for the next steps of my career and life overall.
For many of you, this might be a shock. You’re 36, and not married? Can I just save you from the commentary, please? What you’re probably thinking, my mother has already said to me a dozen different ways: Don’t you want someone to share your life with? Who will take care of you when you’re older? Don’t you feel lonely? Everyone should have someone. And my personal favorite, do you want to die alone?
I’m writing today to take a personal stand and say that being single and deciding to not have children is not a deficit for me or anyone else who chooses the single lifestyle. I’m asking you, as you read this, to think of the single friends in your circle in a different light. Their path, like most things in life, is different than yours. Their definition of happiness and fulfillment is different than yours too. Most importantly, if we can all stop perpetuating the narrative that flows throughout our society, which dictates that partnership is one of the ultimate goals of life, I guarantee that a lot more people would be much happier, productive, and satisfied with their lives. Is it possible to dispel the myth that a union with someone else is one of the only things that can define our lives? Because, I’d like to try.
This is not to say that I don’t believe in marriage, because I have plenty of friends and loved ones in beautiful, healthy unions with incredible families. I’m just saying that it’s not the end all, be all, this is it, for everyone. Relationship status is no different than sexuality, religion, diet, etc. One size does not fit all.
Do you think that I haven’t tried for years to fulfill this narrative and be in a relationship? Sure, I bought into it. How could I not? It’s the story we were raised with and all that we know. It’s everywhere you look. It just becomes a part of you. Especially now that dating is readily available on a screen and a new date is just a swipe away, love seems possible. All that being said, do I need to dip into my own treasure trove of nightmare dating stories? That in itself seems like its own Open Letter. I’ll provide you with a quick synopsis: Peter Pan syndrome, untreated mental illness, being juggled with a myriad of other undisclosed partners, disappearing Houdinis, and everything else in between. In short, I can no longer force myself to do this in order to fulfill a dream that isn’t necessarily my dream. Why should I spend my precious time and energy to create a relationship that I don’t believe I truly need?
When I’ve reached the mark of dating someone for three months or going on the tenth date, so I somehow feel justified in disclosing this information to my friends - I can’t help but notice the knowing glances, the silent pity party, and then undergo the third and fourth degree about the person, picking him or her apart and making me feel absolutely pathetic for doing this in the first place. Let me get this straight, you feel sorry for me, because I’m “alone,” but when I’m dating and going through the inevitable part of the process of getting to know someone or dating multiple people, I’m pathetic or slutty then as well? Single people seem to endure a losing battle in our mainstream framework of relationships, and this is why I ask you to simply re-think how you think about relationships, partnerships, marriage, and why you might feel that this is a requirement in life. How do these stories become a part of the popular narrative? Who does marriage benefit? Does this truly make you or a couple you know happy?
I don’t need your pity or worry. When you see me and ask about my life, please don’t feel sorry for me because there’s no good men/women out there and it’s such a shame and I’m an amazing catch and it’s only a matter of time until I find them, because guess what – having a partner in my life right now would be nice, BUT it’s not a requirement. It’s not a necessary ingredient in my personal happiness. It’s extra. It would make some good frosting on my cake, but it sure ain’t the whole cake.
I’m here to tell you that the future burns pretty fucking bright. I’m in a time in my life where events, people, opportunities, and knowledge are flowing through at a rapid rate, and I couldn’t be more excited. Graduate school is teaching me to re-think how I think and question everything, and that’s a message that I would like to pass on to you, especially in regards to the institution of marriage, how we think about commitment, and why we feel we need it.
Please join me in NOT perpetuating a fairy tale about marriage, 1.5 kids, 2 cars, and a white picket fence. Do love your way in whatever way that is for you. Don’t pity your single friends or dominate the conversation with talk of dating woes – celebrate them for being brave and finding happiness on their own. Ask your single friends about their careers, school, travel, passions, friendships, etc. Get to know them for who they are rather than their relationship status.
Maybe I’ll meet that special someone one day, and maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll meet a series of special someones that come in and out of my life. And regardless of which way love is in my life, it’s okay with me. I’m going to keep it pushing and enjoy every part. Single people don’t need pity, shame, or being looked down upon. We’re just living a different story. As I do my taxes later this week, I’ll proudly check the “Single” box and move through the world without feeling a deficit, go to social events without feeling the pressure of having a date, and hopefully alleviate the inadequacy or fear that some of my single friends might feel in hopes that they’ll join me in taking their own stand for our very unique and beautiful lives.
With much love and respect,
Single and Taking Risks in the City -
G.
