Subject: To The Girl Who Made Me Who I Am
From: Joe Orr
Date:
1
Apr
2016
It's funny that's what I call you... you and I probably have two completely different ideas of who I am nowadays. We haven't talked in a very long time, and for good reason. All we ever did was fight for months until finally you put an end to it as best you could. So I realize it's odd for me to come out with this letter all of a sudden. The reason I write this is not to apologize, or try to fix anything. No, this is as shattered as a glass hitting the floor. We've picked up the pieces and tossed them out a long time ago. There's nothing left to fix. The reason I write this is to finally give you the truth. Being free from the chaos surrounding us has given me a lot of clarity, something I didn't have years ago. I'm sure you have no interest in listening to me, but I wouldn't write this if I didn't think there would be something to take from it.
You've been a lot of things to me for the few years we've known each other. In the order listed, you've been a stranger, my crush, my girlfriend, my ex, one of my best friends, and for the longest time you've been somewhat of an enemy. In that time, you've changed quite a bit, just as I have. In order to see how we've changed, going back to where it started is necessary. Before I met you, I felt undesirable, unworthy, and absolutely depressed. Before you met me, you were so selfless, graduating from your Catholic school and moving onto high school. You were, and always have been beautiful. It's that kind of combination coming together that can make any guy feel really special. I'll always remember the endless games of Words With Friends we played just to give us more of a reason to keep talking to each other. It didn't take long for me to rise up out of my gloomy state of mind. It didn't take long for me to say "You are the main reason I am happy." It also didn't take me long to realize you were suffering.
Behind that girl that would do anything to make someones day was a girl struggling at home with a divorce tearing her family apart. After I learned just how unhappy you got at times, it tore me up inside. How could I let this girl, who has made my life so much better, suffer like this? This whole experience made me promise myself two things, only one of which I was able to keep. The first one was that no matter what, I was gonna do everything possible to never go back to where I was before I met you. You showed me the light, and that's a very powerful thing. I was never ever gonna go back to the dark after being shown just how it felt to believe in myself and have self-confidence. My second promise was that since you had shown me this light, the least I could do is show you the way to that same place you put me in. It was a beautiful state of mind I was in, and I thought you deserved it more than anyone.
Nearly the moment we started dating, I watched you shutdown. Shut you down to the point where you weren't talking to me anymore. I tried so hard, but there's only so much I can do. The day that haunts me the most was when I was trying to figure out why you were having a bad day. The conversation ended with me, after what felt like hours of effort, giving up and just saying something like "I feel so bad for you," and then you went on a rant about how you didn't need my sympathy. It got hard to not take it personally. Even though I knew deep down you were hurting and you needed love, I started to think it wasn't my love you wanted. It tore me up inside, and I thought everything I had believed to be true was correct when you broke up with me. I didn't think there was any doubt when you told me after we broke up, and I quote, "It felt good to finally do something for myself." Though, as you know, this is not where it ended for us.
I started dating your best friend, which even though you told me was okay, I should've known it wasn't from the start. You were letting your true colors show since Day 1. As the relationship I was in grew, I only grew more suspicious. "Does she actually still care about me?" I wondered. And I wondered that constantly, and it made it so hard to commit to another relationship because all I wanted to do at the time was run off with you somewhere and just try everything all over again. I kept telling myself I was misinterpreting the signs, but it was hard to believe myself. Because by then we'd become closer than we ever were in a relationship. You covered three quarters of a page in my high school senior yearbook, calling me one of your best friends. Considering this was something I would carry around with me for the rest of my life, I thought it meant something. You talked more about your mom and dad to me than you ever did in the relationship. You talked to me more in general too. My heart couldn't handle it. I couldn't help but feel there was something there. There were times I was so close to telling you that I still had feelings for you, and that I needed help getting past it. But one night had changed that, and just about everything else forever.
The fight that will go down in my history as "The Day Everything Changed," was a fight between me and your best friend, a.k.a. my girlfriend that lasted hours over the phone. It was a fight that me and her talked over and somehow managed to get past it the next day, but I can't say the same for us. That night, you stuck up for her, and rightfully so I must say. I was so wrong about that one, just like all guys are. However, the problem wasn't with you stepping in defending your friend, it was you trying to disassociate yourself with me. You said that night that you had lost all respect for me, and that you weren't gonna be there for me anymore if I needed somebody to talk to anymore. This was the rant that changed everything for me. In that moment, I decided that you really didn't care about me at all. In that moment, you made me feel a very similar way to the way I was before I met you. Worthless. Undesirable. Replaceable.
If you recall the two promises I made to myself, right then and there they clashed together. Up until then, I tried my best to make the decisions that I thought would make you happiest. To me, that was the most important of the two promises. I couldn't have picked a worse time to switch gears, because I was in no position at the time to be sticking up for my actions, which is what I did. What I should've done is stick up for myself, and told you what you said was beyond cold. For you to tell me yourself that I was one of your best friends only to turn your back to me when things get bad was so unacceptable to me. That's not how best friends work. Ever. Best friends talk about it, figure it out. They don't ever toss each other to the side unless they've done everything they could for you.
As for the rest, you know it better than I do probably. 95% of the fights we had were because of me feeling so entitled to everything. Friendship, apologies, literally everything. So when I wasn't getting what I wanted, all I did was whine, cry, and scream rude things. I used to carry so much guilt for that, and I am still sorry for that today, but so much time has passed since these events. Up until then we were treading water, so I will take credit for shattering our friendship. I can handle that. I can handle that because of my meltdown, nobody will ever ask why that nice guy did so many mean things. I don't write this to convince you I'm the good person, and you aren't. I write this because this is the truth. I can't tell you I've done nothing wrong, but I won't tell you you did nothing wrong either. Nobody could pay me enough to say that.
It's really a shame that we fell apart the way we did. Looking back, we both actually cared pretty deeply about each other and never showed it, and because of that, both of us thought the other had quit on us. The only thing I could think about when you told me that you lied about the reason you broke up with me was that we really could've been together so much longer. I couldn't believe that you broke up with me because you thought that's what I wanted. It was the last thing I wanted, but it just seemed inevitable.
Nowadays, it honestly breaks my heart every time I hear about you. It breaks me not because it's you, but because of the stories I hear about you now. I hear the stories of you leaving people that care about you out to dry for your own desires. Your now ex-best friend being on the receiving end of that countless times. You are not the person that I remember. You used to be everything I dreamed of being. Maybe that girl got stomped on one too many times. Maybe the divorce got the better of that girl. Maybe it was me too. Good people get stomped on all the time. That doesn't mean you stop doing good things.
Just recently, my now ex-girlfriend, a.k.a. your ex-best friend got together with your ex-boyfriend that I had just gotten to be good friends with. I had dated that girl for over 3 years, so everyone thought I would be pissed. It's funny how life comes around full circle like this, because this is so similar to the situation you were in way back when. I had a lot of reasons to be bitter about it, but I had enough reasons not to be, so I chose not to be. That girl I used to know, that I like to believe is still somewhere inside you, taught me better. She would've wanted them to be happy. She would've done anything she could have done to put a smile on their faces. That's the kind of person I am. I care about these people, and they could not have been happier with my response.
Though, the one thing you will always get credit for is making me who I am. You showed me who I wanted to be, and who I didn't wanna be all in one package. This is everything that I am and want to be in life. I don't give up on people that don't give up on me. I do everything I can for the people that were there for me because that's who I am. I am who I am because you were once the person I wanted to be. When I gave up on myself, you showed me why I shouldn't ever give up on myself. It surprised me when you did give up on me, but by then I was prepared to say, "You're wrong to think that.” You've made me so strong. You built me up so high, even you couldn't quite tear me down. It's because of you I know what true happiness is, but it's because of you I know when to stand up for myself when people don't give me respect. It's because of you I want to be there for those people that constantly get stomped on. It's because of you that I have hope. It's because of you that I want to spread hope to others... before they have to go through what I went through. You will always get the credit for making me... me.
Behind that girl that would do anything to make someones day was a girl struggling at home with a divorce tearing her family apart. After I learned just how unhappy you got at times, it tore me up inside. How could I let this girl, who has made my life so much better, suffer like this? This whole experience made me promise myself two things, only one of which I was able to keep. The first one was that no matter what, I was gonna do everything possible to never go back to where I was before I met you. You showed me the light, and that's a very powerful thing. I was never ever gonna go back to the dark after being shown just how it felt to believe in myself and have self-confidence. My second promise was that since you had shown me this light, the least I could do is show you the way to that same place you put me in. It was a beautiful state of mind I was in, and I thought you deserved it more than anyone.
Nearly the moment we started dating, I watched you shutdown. Shut you down to the point where you weren't talking to me anymore. I tried so hard, but there's only so much I can do. The day that haunts me the most was when I was trying to figure out why you were having a bad day. The conversation ended with me, after what felt like hours of effort, giving up and just saying something like "I feel so bad for you," and then you went on a rant about how you didn't need my sympathy. It got hard to not take it personally. Even though I knew deep down you were hurting and you needed love, I started to think it wasn't my love you wanted. It tore me up inside, and I thought everything I had believed to be true was correct when you broke up with me. I didn't think there was any doubt when you told me after we broke up, and I quote, "It felt good to finally do something for myself." Though, as you know, this is not where it ended for us.
I started dating your best friend, which even though you told me was okay, I should've known it wasn't from the start. You were letting your true colors show since Day 1. As the relationship I was in grew, I only grew more suspicious. "Does she actually still care about me?" I wondered. And I wondered that constantly, and it made it so hard to commit to another relationship because all I wanted to do at the time was run off with you somewhere and just try everything all over again. I kept telling myself I was misinterpreting the signs, but it was hard to believe myself. Because by then we'd become closer than we ever were in a relationship. You covered three quarters of a page in my high school senior yearbook, calling me one of your best friends. Considering this was something I would carry around with me for the rest of my life, I thought it meant something. You talked more about your mom and dad to me than you ever did in the relationship. You talked to me more in general too. My heart couldn't handle it. I couldn't help but feel there was something there. There were times I was so close to telling you that I still had feelings for you, and that I needed help getting past it. But one night had changed that, and just about everything else forever.
The fight that will go down in my history as "The Day Everything Changed," was a fight between me and your best friend, a.k.a. my girlfriend that lasted hours over the phone. It was a fight that me and her talked over and somehow managed to get past it the next day, but I can't say the same for us. That night, you stuck up for her, and rightfully so I must say. I was so wrong about that one, just like all guys are. However, the problem wasn't with you stepping in defending your friend, it was you trying to disassociate yourself with me. You said that night that you had lost all respect for me, and that you weren't gonna be there for me anymore if I needed somebody to talk to anymore. This was the rant that changed everything for me. In that moment, I decided that you really didn't care about me at all. In that moment, you made me feel a very similar way to the way I was before I met you. Worthless. Undesirable. Replaceable.
If you recall the two promises I made to myself, right then and there they clashed together. Up until then, I tried my best to make the decisions that I thought would make you happiest. To me, that was the most important of the two promises. I couldn't have picked a worse time to switch gears, because I was in no position at the time to be sticking up for my actions, which is what I did. What I should've done is stick up for myself, and told you what you said was beyond cold. For you to tell me yourself that I was one of your best friends only to turn your back to me when things get bad was so unacceptable to me. That's not how best friends work. Ever. Best friends talk about it, figure it out. They don't ever toss each other to the side unless they've done everything they could for you.
As for the rest, you know it better than I do probably. 95% of the fights we had were because of me feeling so entitled to everything. Friendship, apologies, literally everything. So when I wasn't getting what I wanted, all I did was whine, cry, and scream rude things. I used to carry so much guilt for that, and I am still sorry for that today, but so much time has passed since these events. Up until then we were treading water, so I will take credit for shattering our friendship. I can handle that. I can handle that because of my meltdown, nobody will ever ask why that nice guy did so many mean things. I don't write this to convince you I'm the good person, and you aren't. I write this because this is the truth. I can't tell you I've done nothing wrong, but I won't tell you you did nothing wrong either. Nobody could pay me enough to say that.
It's really a shame that we fell apart the way we did. Looking back, we both actually cared pretty deeply about each other and never showed it, and because of that, both of us thought the other had quit on us. The only thing I could think about when you told me that you lied about the reason you broke up with me was that we really could've been together so much longer. I couldn't believe that you broke up with me because you thought that's what I wanted. It was the last thing I wanted, but it just seemed inevitable.
Nowadays, it honestly breaks my heart every time I hear about you. It breaks me not because it's you, but because of the stories I hear about you now. I hear the stories of you leaving people that care about you out to dry for your own desires. Your now ex-best friend being on the receiving end of that countless times. You are not the person that I remember. You used to be everything I dreamed of being. Maybe that girl got stomped on one too many times. Maybe the divorce got the better of that girl. Maybe it was me too. Good people get stomped on all the time. That doesn't mean you stop doing good things.
Just recently, my now ex-girlfriend, a.k.a. your ex-best friend got together with your ex-boyfriend that I had just gotten to be good friends with. I had dated that girl for over 3 years, so everyone thought I would be pissed. It's funny how life comes around full circle like this, because this is so similar to the situation you were in way back when. I had a lot of reasons to be bitter about it, but I had enough reasons not to be, so I chose not to be. That girl I used to know, that I like to believe is still somewhere inside you, taught me better. She would've wanted them to be happy. She would've done anything she could have done to put a smile on their faces. That's the kind of person I am. I care about these people, and they could not have been happier with my response.
Though, the one thing you will always get credit for is making me who I am. You showed me who I wanted to be, and who I didn't wanna be all in one package. This is everything that I am and want to be in life. I don't give up on people that don't give up on me. I do everything I can for the people that were there for me because that's who I am. I am who I am because you were once the person I wanted to be. When I gave up on myself, you showed me why I shouldn't ever give up on myself. It surprised me when you did give up on me, but by then I was prepared to say, "You're wrong to think that.” You've made me so strong. You built me up so high, even you couldn't quite tear me down. It's because of you I know what true happiness is, but it's because of you I know when to stand up for myself when people don't give me respect. It's because of you I want to be there for those people that constantly get stomped on. It's because of you that I have hope. It's because of you that I want to spread hope to others... before they have to go through what I went through. You will always get the credit for making me... me.
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