They keep telling me to move on. To get over you. They say that I've been this way for far too long, I just, I don't understand how they expect me to be okay. I confided in you, you were the one person I told everything to, and one day you just decided to get up and leave. You said that we could still be friends, but you and I both know that was a lie, we've talked once since the break up. We talked once 68 days ago, and I was too intoxicated to even remember the sound of your voice from that night. I'm just, I'm not like them, you should know that, you should know that it doesn't take me days, or weeks, it takes me a lifetime, to just get up and forget about the last person I said "I love you" to and meant it. Whoever says that time will heal the broken heart must have never fallen in love, because time doesn't do anything, in fact it makes it worse, because I don't remember what you smell like and I don't remember the tone of your voice anymore like the memorized pitch it used to be. It's been 5 months and 24 days since you said it was over, that's exactly 200 days from then up to today and I don't feel any better. I feel so much worse, because when I see you around town with her I have to pretend it doesn't sting, I have to stop myself from breaking down and screaming "Why was I not good enough?" I have to keep it all together and act like everything is going to be okay.
Whenever I see your eyes, their bright blue with grey glow gleaming from a distance it takes me back to our first date. Do you remember that night? The night you looked at me with so much enthusiasm for us to be something, you looked dead in my eyes and said "You're screwed, you can't leave me now." and guess what? I didn't. Just like I promised. You on the other hand, I told you that you would leave, look who was right. I saw it in your eyes. Because to me, you were so unbelievably perfect and to you I was just a distraction to save you from your mind, to keep you busy from figuring out who you are and what you want.
Do you remember that night in the dugout at the show? That was the night you told me you loved me. I know you remember that night because in spite of being drunk, I told you I loved you too that night, and that I would never let anything happen to you. The only difference between our exchanging of words that night is that I truly meant mine. I meant it, and you didn't and now I am the one stuck here, because I knew, I f*cking knew you were too good for me and I can't believe that for a single moment I let myself actually believe I had a chance with you.
You were so perfect to me. You are so perfect to me. I know this because I could write an entire novel filled with reasons why you are the greatest before I could pick out a single flaw about you. But I know you saw me differently, because you promised to keep me around for a long time, I could have sworn that one time you proposed forever, but I guess forever ran a little short. I mean, I guess technically it could have been forever for one of us because while you are out there reliving all those memories we created, I am dying drowning myself in the reminisce of what used to be.
Every time I told you I loved you, I devoted more of myself to you, and you thought it was the cutest thing ever, but now that it's over, being devoted to you just makes me the crazy one. Everyone says, I am the crazy one. They tell me "It's over" "It wasn't meant to be" but I don't understand how it wasn't meant to be if every single time I see you, time still stands still, every single time I see you I still get lost in your beauty, but if that isn't meant to be, please tell me what is. Is anything?
It really sucks. Falling in love. I mean I don't expect you to understand that now, but part of me hopes that one day you will. Part of me hopes that one day you'll meet someone who takes your breath away and makes you incredibly happy so you give them your all, and write them into 1,000 poems only to learn that you can't change how they feel about you. You'll do anything, but in the end they won't want you and that, just has to be that. Then you'll start making excuses why they left, you'll start counting down the days and once it finally reaches 6 months, you'll realize that they aren't coming back. And i tell you, once you feel that, you'll understand.You'll understand how I am so tired of waiting for you but If you ever had a second thought about me, I would jump to you in a heartbeat. You'll understand how if you ever felt alone, I would drop anything to be there for you. Right now you say that makes me crazy, but I'm sorry that loving you makes me so crazy.
So this is my letter to you, because I know now that you are never coming back, just know you will always be my favorite poem, and honestly I won't even get my hopes up for a second thinking you'll write back.
