Dear Friend,
Thanks. Thanks for leaving me at home alone on another Saturday night listening to sad music while you go out and laugh with the girl that you clearly see as your one and only best friend, even though I was the one who has ever let you cry into my arms. Thanks for letting me down again and again, when I loved you through it all more than anything else in this world. That's right. When I was wrapped up in bed all those hours during the day while you were out having the time of your life, I still loved you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy; I practically sold my soul to you, and you couldn't care less.
Maybe you think this is absolutely selfish, to blame you and your happiness for my melancholy emotions, but I'm not doing that at all. I'm just letting you know that I am not just a name in your inferior group chat. I am not someone to use at your convenience to make you happy. I want you to know that I am a human being who craves to be accepted and, admittedly, feels way too much for my own good. There were too many feelings I kept inside for you and when I did let them out- well, I guess learned to not share your deepest, darkest secrets with anyone. I thought it might help, bring us closer, but now you can't even look me in the eyes and when you scroll past my photo, I swear I can feel the disgust in the sigh as you continue through Instagram, the memories fading in the back of your mind.
Those memories never left my mind, though. In fact, they stuck to the inside walls of my head, trying to squeeze themselves out, but my heart just held on too strong. That was it. You were gone. I was still here, tears streaming down my cheeks, wishing that someone, anyone could just be here for me right now. I wanted you here. You always knew exactly what to say. Nope, you were at a party with everyone from school... except me. I was rolled in a ball on my bedroom floor wishing my world would come to a crashing end right here, right now. It didn't. I was still here, thoughts of you running through my mind.
I decided I was not good enough for you. I could no longer make you happy. I was not good enough for anyone. Not my family, the boy I had fallen so madly for, anyone. All this time I blamed me for hating myself, I never saw the fact that it was you who brought me down. You were the reason I hated everything. It was you who made me see my faults and buried my good qualities deep in the sand.
Let me tell you, I've dug them back up. I can now see that I have so much to share with this world and that there is so much out there for me to experience. Honestly, you're not the main act in my life anymore. I don't want to know what you're doing this Saturday night. Delete me from the group chat. Block my number. Do whatever you need to do to get me out of your life because I don't want to be reminded of the misery anymore.
Thanks. Thanks for showing me that there is more to life than just a person who I thought was real. I hope that your new friends know their role in your life right now. And I hope they learn to let go, like I had to.
Peace and Love,
Cara
