I have become second choice- and that’s on a good day. When big moments happen in our lives, we would always, ALWAYS turn to each other. I still turn to you without hesitation, while you turn to him- and later update me if it’s convenient for you.
I have no doubt that you will be engaged within the next year, and good for you. I will probably spend a chunk of my 20’s single figuring out my career and myself as a person.
I know deep down that this letter comes down to the fact that I miss you, I miss what we had, and yet I still love what we do still have to this very day. I hope we are college roommates…but I fear for your need to be with this boy 24/7.
You always tell me that you hold a leash, and quite frankly it’s not funny and it’s a bit disturbing. Honestly, I’m not sure what your deal even is. Nevertheless, he seems controlling from where I stand. Constantly texting you when we are together is rude, but the real killer is the fact that you answer them every single damn time. There have been more times than I am able to count where I have seriously considered getting up from the table at the restaurant where we were eating and telling you I was going home. I’ve never done this because I’m not a mean person, and trust me deep down I didn’t want to get up. But even when we are out he’s there every single moment of it.
I would expect it if you were married. It would be pretty annoying, but it would be more tolerable. My mom likes to tell me that he’s not the actual issue, that it’s really just your failure to divide your time. I’m not sure if I agree, but it’s not the craziest theory I’ve thought of.
Some days I sit here and wonder if I regret how close we are. I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I could never regret what a wonderful friendship we share. I miss you, and sometimes my heart deeply aches. Tomorrow I have to go eat dinner with you and him to celebrate your presentation. I don’t know what we’ll talk about, but I can guarantee that I’ll come across as witty, smart, and independent like I always do. Deep down I know that I’m all of these things, but I’m also someone with a huge heart as well. I fear that if he were to see that, then he would rip me down using it against me.
You are my greatest friend that I’ve ever had. But right now, you are toxic.
