First off, I call you a boy (even though you were 20 at the time) because our whole relationship was childlike because of you. You strung me along until I lost sight of who I was. If you were a man, you would have ended it when you stopped having feelings for me. Sure, I should have known better; I don't blame you solely for the relationship, but I do blame you completely for that night.
Sure, I should have released all you wanted was a your stereotypical college booty call, but part of me hope you would change. If you would have gotten to know me, you would have learned that the first man I ever loved, my father, decided one day that I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. When we first started seeing each other, my parents were in the middle of a messy divorce that divided my family. That was the time I was the most fragile, the most broken that I have ever been.
You might not remember that night but for a year that night haunted me. For the two weeks before I made the report, I barely slept because every time I closed my eyes, it played over and over. I barely ate. I lost my motivation for school. I had lost myself.
Making the report was one of the hardest things I ever have done, but at the same time I proved to myself no matter what I have gone through I can still find strength within me. I began going to counseling, which made me realize that being broken is okay and is something only I can change. Slowly, I began to put myself back together.
Counseling was the first point in my life where I felt it was okay to say how I truly felt. I grew up hiding my feelings for the fear that I might hurt someone else. Little did I know the only person I hurt was myself. I grew up with a strong sense of fear. A fear of people hating me, a fear of failure, a fear of losing everything that I loved.
I know we had the talk and you probably say you were pretty vocal about how you felt then. Little did you know that going to our room and having that talk took every ounce of courage and strength I had. Walking down the your room, I had a panic attack in the stairwell. I had never been so afraid in my life. Walking out of your room, took an insane amount of courage. I wanted to stay, I wanted you to fight for me, I wanted you to say you wanted me. But walking out of your room, told me you didn't care at all about me.
Now, I know there were some ugly times after. I do apologize for my behavior. I was looking for a way to get out the left over anger I had at you and the anger I had inside from the 20 years of fear.
I know I came "back" to you that Spring. Again, there was more going on then you would have known. I knew I needed to end it for good when a story about a certain softball player got back to me. Now, I don't know if it was true, but looking back I needed a reason to end things. I was still broken. I needed to know that I could never trust you. This was the reason I needed. As much as it hurt, I look back and realize that pain was what I needed.
Telling the people I love hurt the most. These are the people who have supported me through so much and I felt as if I would have disappointed them. I couldn't tell my mother face-to-face because I couldn't bear to see her reaction. But the silence on the other end of the phone said enough. This is one of the few times in my life I had ever witnessed my mother truly upset. She is one of the strongest people I know and to hear the silence on the other end of the line was heartbreaking. The first words out of her was that she loved me and she repeated it a million times. I am so lucky to have some of the most amazing, supportive people in my life.
As much I as I didn't want this to effect me later in life, I didn't want it effecting you either. I chose to report it because there was a chance that you could have or could assault someone else. And I couldn't not report if I knew I could help someone else. Your name is in no system, except for the person who took the report.
We go to a small college, I didn't want word spreading(more for my sake than yours). You can blame me for your girlfriend finding out, but I had no part of that. I trust my friend and she respects me not to say anything. You can blame me all you want, but in the end we wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't assault me (just thought that was important to note).
I do wish you all the best in life and I deeply hope you will never hurt someone the same way you hurt me. You might never see this but this letter was more for me than for you.
