Dear Man at Table #201,
I was so very impressed when I went to your table and saw a big fancy one-hundred dollar bill laying next to your check. My first thoughts were, "Wow, he must be really rich and powerful in order to have hundred dollar bills in his wallet. I am envious of someone like him, gee willikers." It must have been really cool to see you reach into your wallet and toss that money onto the table and then waltz out of the restaurant. Everyone sitting with and around you must have been pretty impressed. I mean, a hundred dollar bill?? Wow! But here's the deal. Your check totaled $117.32. You know what that means, right? Yeah, you walked out on your check, you big pile of stinky dog shit. So not only did you not leave me a tip, you think I will just cover that extra $17.32, is that it? You sir, are a gentleman and an asshole.
Just so you know, when it comes time for me to pay taxes, the government is going to assume that I got tipped 8% of your check, or in other words, $9.39. So I will be taxed and social securitied and FICA'd about $2.35. But here's the deal: you didn't tip me. I can't call up Uncle Sam and say, "Oh yeah, the asshole at table 201 didn't actually tip me so just disregard that bill, thanks." Nope. I will pay that $2.35 regardless. So not only did I not make any money from your table, I lost money by serving you. In some restaurants, I would be expected to tip the busser or food runner based on my sales. So if I had to tip them 2% of whatever I sold, I would be expected to give them $2.34 even though you didn't tip me jack shit. Are you starting to see how crappy it was of you to walk out on your check like you did?
In some places, the managers will make waiters pay for that loss out of their own pocket which really really sucks. That's when waiters have to get creative and start moving things around from one check to another just to cover that loss. Ethical, no. Necessary, yes. Lucky for me I was working at a place where my managers know that people like you exist and my manager voided off some items from your check so it would be under $100.00. That isn't always the case though.
Yes, I tried to find you. I ran out onto the street to see if I could spot your weasel ass slinking away but you had already crawled back into your hole and vanished. I just wanted to let you know that you really suck. You can't pull that shit in Macy's or at Target, but in a restaurant, I guess you can. I know now why you didn't want to leave a phone number or contact email with the host when you first checked in. We tell you that we like to get your info in case we find an iPhone or a scarf at your table, but really it's so that I can call your cheap, no-good, thieving ass and tell you that you need to drag your sorry skank self back up to the restaurant and finish paying your check. Good move for you, not leaving a phone number.
So thanks for sitting in my station. It was real pleasure to be reminded that scum like you are out there in the world. I hope you get a severe case of cold sore and pink eye coupled with some major chapped lips and a skin rash. I want your face to be as unattractive as your behavior. Fuck you.
Love,
The Bitchy Waiter
