Hi. First of all, please understand that I’m still here. I know you’re worried and I know you think I’m heading down a bad road. But I’m still here and I really need you to love me anyway. It’s hard for you to understand what I’m going through; it doesn’t make any sense to me, either. It’s like I’m two people: the one you love and this other person who lies and cheats and steal to get my drug. I hate the person who hurts you, but he’s a part of me now and most of the time, the one who’s in control. I’ve heard it all: I know that eventually I’m going to die because of this damn addiction I carry. But I still can’t stop. I will do whatever I need to do to get my fix and if it means hurting anybody, I’ll do it.
I wish I could close my eyes and wake up back in time to when I didn’t use. I wish I could get up every day without having to hustle to get my fix. No matter how much I wish it away, though, I’m addicted and most of the time, I want to stay addicted. My drug is my best friend. It’s my hope and it’s my main focus in this life. If I lost it, I would be lost. Try to understand: Nothing else really matters to me. I love you, but I need and want my drug more. What’s worse is that knowing all of this, I still need you to love me anyway.
Maybe someday I’ll get to a point where I don’t want the bullshit that comes with my drug. Maybe someday I’ll want a normal life and I won’t want my drug anymore. If and when I do want to stop, I’ll need help to kick.. It’s not like I can just stop. If I do, I’ll get really, really sick and I don’t want to go through that. I’ll need you to love me and I’ll need you to be supportive. I can’t even say I’ll always be honest: I’ve been lying to people for so long that I don’t even know if I can tell the truth, anymore. I’ll need your patience and I’ll need your acceptance.
I know your fear for my life makes you angry that I won’t stop using. But regardless of how loud you yell or whatever threats you make, I’ll still use. I don’t understand it all that much myself. I do know, though, that in spite of all I’ve done and failed to do, I’m still here and I really need you to love me, anyway. If there’s to be any hope, it can’t come out of your fear. I don’t know if it’ll work, but I need you to love me, anyway. Please consider it.
Love,
Your addicted loved one.
