Dear Stupid Americans, We’ve tried repeatedly to tell you that terrorism is no big deal. As the New York Times patiently explains to you today, you are “more likely to die in a car crash, drown in a bathtub or be struck by lightning than be killed by a terrorist.” But you still don’t get it. You keep asking us about ISIS, keep demanding to know our plan, and keep fretting about the fact that they’ve built the largest terrorist army in modern history. You look at the Paris attack, the bombings in Beirut and Istanbul, and the wreckage of the Russian jetliner and wonder if it can happen here. But here’s the good news, if it does happen here, then it almost certainly won’t happen to you. And don’t pretend you really care about stopping genocide overseas. All those Christians driven from their homes? The Yazidis sold into sex slavery? The hundreds of thousands of dead and maimed civilians? The millions of refugees? When the world community said “never again” after the Holocaust, it really meant “infrequently, really.” Look, declarations like that are living documents. Who’s to say what “never” really means? “Never say never.” That’s what our moms taught us. Yes, I know there have been multiple terror attacks here at home in the last eighteen months – in Tennessee, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, California, and New York — and terror arrests are at their highest level since 2001, but you’re still alive, right? Do you even know anyone who was killed in those attacks? We’ll make you a deal. Since we can’t really stop all terrorists, ”a certain number of relatively low-level attacks may be inevitable,” and you’re just going to have “learn to adapt the way Israel has.” But I promise you this: “In the event of a terrorist attack in the United States so catastrophic that it all but paralyzed the country with fear,” we will launch “an all-out military response involving American ground troops.” In the meantime, we’ll let the terrorists keep most of their safe havens. We might even let them control new regions. If our cities aren’t actually burning the way Lower Manhattan did on 9/11, then we’re just going to go ahead and call that a win. But if those guys who have religious beliefs we can’t possibly identify do somehow use those safe havens to plan, fund, and execute something big, then I promise we’ll get truly serious. Don’t let anxiety “warp” your perspective. Chill out, relax, and focus on the bathtub threat in your own home. The porcelain enemy lurks.
Sincerely, Your National Security Team
