Dear BM,
I Am Angry, I have been the one stuck doing everything for my 10 year old stepdaughter since July of 2006. I have sacrificed so much and have done everything with her from her first pageant, day at dance, school, etc. The only first you truly have had with my stepdaughter is her first year of life. Do you ever sit and think to yourself how selfish you truly are? Do you even realize the damage you have done not just to my stepdaughter, but to your other children and family members? Do you continue to sit and blame my husband and me for your absence in my step daughter’s life? Is it an easier way to explain to others why she is not around? Does it make you feel better to lie to everyone? Let’s get something straight we took you to court for a reason.
We gave you many warnings and you thought it was all a game. You were on a self-destructive path and hanging around the wrong people and you were putting my step daughter at risk of being hurt. You couldn’t even take care of yourself let alone pay your bills. The idea of court was our hope that you would hit rock bottom and get your life together for your daughter’s sake. It has not been our intention to keep her from you. It has now been over 4 years since our court hearing and we have yet to truly hear and see from you. Do you honestly think its ok to just pop back up and play mom of the year on her birthday and on Christmas with a phone call? Sorry, but parenthood does not work that way. We are nowhere near perfect and we don’t try to be. We all three have a troubled pass, made mistakes, said and done things we shouldn’t have. The difference is we changed and you haven’t. In the last 9 years your behavior patterns continually stay the same. You depend on everybody. This is where you are failing!
Do you ever think to yourself maybe that I want or need a break? Do you even care? All those times you were out at the bars and clubs having the time of your life when you should have been staying home with your children; did they even cross your mind? I look back and that should have been me at the clubs. I am bitter because I took on the responsibility of being a mother at 19 years old and I gave up so much. Do you know how many times I have cried myself to sleep? Do you know how many times I wanted to pack my stuff and walk away? The difference is I could have, but I didn’t. I couldn’t bear to leave my stepdaughter. How could I leave with the thought of another person walking out on her, the thought of her losing two moms? Since I have gotten pregnant and had my son. I have been going back and forth with the idea of you being a decent mom. When I look at my son I see me, when I look at my stepdaughter I see you and my husband.
There is no ME inside my stepdaughter. I will never be able to get a glimpse of my childhood in her eyes. I will never be able to understand that instant connection when you first see your child after giving birth. I look at my son every day and the amount of love I have for him is indescribable. I could never imagine him calling another woman mom. I can’t imagine my life without him. I would go crazy. As much as I would love to badmouth you and tell my stepdaughter how I truly feel, I don’t. I try every way possible to say something nice. I honestly feel you have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. To look at a child and know that no matter how much you do for them it will never be good enough, because she will one day still want her real mother back in her life. Nobody understands the pain and heartache. Nobody understands the mental frustrations with it all. I know I could have walked out at any giving minute, and believe me there have been many times where I have wanted to. I’m not saying it is your fault for why I stayed and took care of her. I know I didn’t have to do but I chose to.
It is just my fault as it is you and my husbands. I did the things I did because I fell in love with my stepdaughter from the very first day I met her. I never knew that in a couple of months you were going to go MIA and I was going to be thrown into this full time mommy role. Sometimes I wonder if I never would have reached out and searched for you would have ever came back around. Don’t you remember it was me that called and found you almost 2 years later? Why is my stepdaughter not that important to you? Why is it that you honestly feel you have done nothing wrong? What makes you think that you can just come and go out of her life as if it’s ok? In fact when, or if you ever do come back around are you going to truly answer her when she asks you why? Why you left her? Why instead of getting help you met another guy and got pregnant and had another child? Have you ever thought to yourself how I feel when my step daughter asks me why her mother doesn’t love her? Have you ever wondered what my response is? After all, it is hard to respond to something I just can’t answer the question to myself. Does it kill you to know that you can’t answer simple questions about her such as?
• What is her favorite color
• Favorite activity
• Favorite song
• Favorite food
• Favorite subject
• Favorite dance class
• Favorite TV show
• What she is good at
• What she struggles in
• What makes her happy
• What makes her sad
• What makes her angry
• What she is lazy at
• What she is funny at
• How she gets along with others
• How she likes to play with makeup and do hair….(She is your daughter, she has some of your traits and you are missing it all)
I wish you were a decent parent. One that is reliable. I wish I could call you and say, “Hey I’m just not feeling like taking her to dance today, can you?” “Hey, how about next weekend you take her to competition?” “Hey, at recital why don’t we take turns changing her so I can for once actually enjoy sitting and watching it instead of getting glimpses of her from the side of the stage.” Damn we pay all this money; thousands of dollars a year and I can’t even enjoy her recital!! You have no idea the talent she has. You have no idea how great she is dancing and how beautiful she looks when she gets on that stage and dances her heart out. All the awards and pageants she has won. Do you even care?
Am I selfish to say that I just want a little free time? Is it selfish of me to say I want some one on one time with my son? Is it selfish of me to say that the only time I truly feel like I can enjoy being with my son is when I am by myself? I stay in fear when I am around my son and step daughter every day, constantly worrying about if I’m giving them both enough attention, or am I favoring one more than the other. I see the way she looks out the corner of her eye when I am playing with my son. Do you understand the jealousy she now has? The anger? I know she tries to keep it a secret but I’m not stupid I know where the anger is coming from. She is angry because my son is truly my son and she is not my daughter. I have no one to talk too, or express my feelings. I can’t ever say I’m tired and need a break, because I get accused of being evil, selfish and unloving. Explain to me how I’m not allowed to say I’m tired? I work Monday through Friday 8-5 p.m. Then driving back and forth with her dancing and still having to come home and do homework, dinner, and baths. DAMN IT IM TIRED!!! I know when she gets older she will reach out to you and that is fine.
Let’s make one thing clear. The couple of times you have called and left a message she knows about it. She just chooses not to call you back, which we all know is out of anger, but I tell her when she is ready to talk to you or see you to tell me. One day that day will come and we will deal with it. I have done nothing wrong in this entire situation of you being an absent mother. I have all the truth and one day when she asks for it I will show her. This is why I hope when she decides to be back in your life, you tell her the truth. I also hope that you don’t hurt her like you have done. There is still a part of me that has some pity for you, but as my step daughter grows older that pity is turning into anger. I truly wish you would get your life together and stop depending on others to take care of you. It is your responsibility to get a job, pay bills, take care of your kids, etc. This is one thing I will be sure to teach my step daughter. I want her to never depend on anyone to do anything for her. That if she wants it, she will get up and go get it herself. She will be a fighter and not a quitter.
I hope the best for you and your new daughter. Maybe you will change and be a better mom for her than what you are to my step daughter. Just remember at the end the day I don’t have to be here, but I choose to be and that is the difference between you and I. I know I will never replace you. I know that even with my step daughter’s anger she still deep down inside has love for you. I know that for whatever reason you have chosen not to come back around is for the best. I know that my step daughter is going to have a great life. I know that you know I am taking care of her. I know that one day she will look back and realize that I always had her best intentions at heart and that I was always there no matter what. I try as a mom and as a daughter to put myself in both you and her situation and think to myself, “What would I do?” As a mother, I just don’t see myself letting my daughter go, but for her as a daughter, I know she will eventually come back around. So I hope in time you will grow as a person and be a better parent for her when that day does come. After all, I don’t know if I will have another child as much as I would love too, she might possibly be my only daughter. So I thank you for having her and giving me the chance to raise such a beautiful girl.
Sincerely,
An Angry Stepmom
