Last summer my brother overdosed in my parent's basement while me and my 4yr old son were staying over. His addiction has torn my family apart, and he has finally gotten help and it looks like he is turning his life around. I love him and want to support him, but I have so much pain, anger and resentment that I just can't let go of. I wrote this one night after waking up from a nightmare/flashback of his overdose. I'll probably never give it to him, but I thought it might help me move on to just get it out.
Thomas, It's all I think about. It consumes me. I replay scenarios over and over in my head. The blinding flashlight, the voice of the police officer, the pounding in my heart and sheer panic in my brain. The denial of mom and dad that you could possibly be the reason for the commotion. The sinking of my stomach when they said it was you. The pain dad must have felt seeing his son dragged out of his bathroom blue and lifeless. I can't imagine seeing my son that way. Hitting the kitchen floor hard when they said you weren't breathing. The strength mom had to comfort me, knowing she may never see her son again. The anger, the rage I felt when seeing that stranger, or grim reaper creep out of my basement insisting her innocence and concern.
I hate her. I hate them all. I hate anyone you ever have known, but I love you so much. It's not you, it's them. They forced you to do this. It's out of your control. You are my protector and would kill someone that came near me or our family. You will find this person that robbed me and sold my dead grandmothers ring for a bag of dope and you will make them pay. The thought that someone has violated your family this way makes you sick to your stomach. It fills you with rage. You want to kill this person- but it would only hurt us more. This person is you.
-your little sis
