If I ever had any doubt about whether I truly loved you or not, you breaking up with me solved it.
I expected to be upset then I expected to be okay, what I didn't expect was the crippling sadness that gripped me everyday. I didn't expect the restless nights, I didn't expect the uncontrollable tears. I didn't expect the nausea that accompanied every thought of you, or the constant anxiety.
I thought, at the beginning, that I could be friends with you. I missed and cared about you too much to be able to cut you out of my life. But talking to you everyday and knowing that whatever there was between us didn't exist anymore was... I can't even explain it. It was more than I could bear.
Your talking about converting the break-up into a "break" and telling me you still loved me gave me hope that was dangerous. I missed you desperately and I just wanted to return to what we had. I had a list of all the things I could change, I wasn't going to discuss politics or religion with you at all. I was going to confront my mother and tell her that I was in love and it was her duty to meet you. We were going to be happy.
But you turned into a person I didn't recognise. You wanted to separate sex from love. You wanted to separate intimacy from committment. You toyed with me and I let you.
I knew from then that as much as I loved you and wanted to be back with you it could never be the same. I'm cautious and careful, you know this. I would never have forgotten the pain you put me through; I would live in constant fear of feeling it again. I would never feel like you were my comfort and my escape ever again. And that's what you were: a breath of fresh air. Someone with different views and experience of life with different interests. I know to you that was our problem but I loved to learn from you, about you. I loved your outlook and, believe it or not, I enjoyed watching your YouTube videos and you gave me a run for my money in those debates. I now know you truly viewed those debates as hostile and that took its toll on you. I only saw them as a battle of ideas. It was never an attack on you but alas it doesn't matter now.
The final blow was most definitely your new relationship. I, of course, know that we had broken up and our revised "break" was uncertain with no clear terms, but the timing devastated me. I told you I needed space because talking to you hurt too much but in reality, not talking hurt even more.
My anxiety flared up and I couldn't sleep. It was like like a sharp slice through a barely healing wound, I felt the cut deep inside me. I collapsed on the wall as soon as I was home and cried until I couldn't see.
Finding out that you had moved on was truly incomprehensible and sent me spiralling into my mental dungeon that I had worked so hard to crawl out of. I remember one particular night I curled up on the kitchen floor at 3am screaming into my fists, begging myself to stay in the light when all I wanted to do was to drown in the darkness.
I knew there was no going back now. How could you fall out of love with me so soon? I didn't get it, men had tried with me but my mind was firmly placed on you. It pained me to know that wasn't the same with you. It made me question if you ever loved me, if what we had was real, if I ever meant anything to you and the sorrow turned to a poisonous mix of self-loathing, anger, yearning and despair. I had to cut you out off my life for my sanity. I couldn't do it anymore.
I had to kill all hope and that was the hardest part. I now know you say you love this girl. I can't pretend that this news doesn't claw at my soul. Especially as our last conversations centred on your claims that you didn't want a serious relationship. I know you've been hurt before and that's why I never thought you could do this. Feeling how I've felt in the last few weeks and how I'm still feeling, I could never ever do this to another person, let alone someone I claimed to love.
I still battle with the urge to contact you, my emotions range from rage to emptiness. I don't even know if I will send this letter. I just felt that if you were ever going to contact me you would have done for my birthday. Today's the day after and I really feel now that as much as my heart doesn't want me to, I really need to leave you in the past because I know you've moved on and any relationship we could salvage now wouldn't be worth having.
I won't wish you well because I know I won't mean it.
Your Little One (VOA Mango)
