Dear Fantasy Team Owner,
Congratulations on a stellar draft this season! Peyton Manning, LeSean McCoy and Julio Jones all on the same team? That's incredible. And you even managed to swing a deal for Stevan Ridley? No wonder with all this talent you dominated your opponent, "RG3PO", in Week One.
I'm sorry to tell you though; I can't watch next week's games with you. I don't know if I can watch Week Three, either. As a matter of fact, I can't watch any games with you this year.
It's not you, it's me. No really, I mean it. It's just ... he thing is ... I don't care about your team—at all. Few things interest me less than hearing about how your team performed this week. Yes, I'm aware Manning threw for seven TD's. Believe it or not, I play Fantasy, too. Those same stats that show up in your three leagues show up in my league as well. The difference is I am a participant in my league. I'm not a participant in yours.
And for that reason, I really don't give a rat's ass about how you made the mistake of benching Alex Smith even though you had a feeling this would be his breakout week. Cut the shit, it's never a mistake to bench Alex Smith in favor of Peyton Manning. On a related note, I equally don't care about how "Shooting The Brees" went off on you and Adrian Peterson's 48 points put you in a hole from Thursday night.
You're in a PPR league. I'm not.
You're flex position is WR/RB. Mine is WR/TE.
You get bonus points for an RB carrying the ball 20 times. I don't.
This conversation just wasn't meant to be, can't you see? I only care about my fantasy league, and my fantasy team. Call me selfish, but it's Fantasy Football. My football-filled fantasy involves my live stat tracker, NFL Sunday Ticket, Da Bears, and copious amounts of food. It does not include having to hear about how you can't decide if Demaryus Thomas is worth trading for Arian Foster.
But, if you insist on telling me all about your team, just know that the only reason I'm putting up with it is because the second you're done, I'm going to tell you all about my team.
Sincerely,
Rajiv Nathan
