Dear Grandma Ruth,
On this, the first anniversary of the day you left our lives, I'm not sure what to feel. It's hard to believe that you've already been gone for a year. So much has happened since that fateful April day.
I'm back in China, though this time as a student and not a teacher. It was strange to experience the reversal of roles at first, but I'm really enjoying this opportunity to learn more Chinese. It's in no small part due to you that I am back here again. It's not just about the money, but about the support and encouragement you've given me my entire life and continue to do so now through my memories of you and the life lessons you taught me. I've learned that, as you always said, family is everything. Our family was an incredible support system last year during that very difficult time. You would have been proud of the way we all helped each other move through our grief. And I've never forgotten your insistence that we should finish what we start. I started studying Chinese on a whim my first semester of college, and look how far I've come since then! Thank you for making me finish what I start.
Since you left us, your house has been sold, your material possessions given to those who needed them most and countless memories of the time we shared with you have been recounted. So many of those memories make us smile and laugh. Even right after you left us, Dan and I were able to share your one-liners with each other in an effort to keep alive your sense of humor and optimism. Despite the division of your material belongings, the memories of you belong to all of us. We will remain connected forever. Nothing can change that.
There have been many instances when I felt you with me. I could be walking down the street, listening to my teacher during class, watching a movie or looking at your picture. I wish I understood more about what happens after death. I like to imagine you somewhere up in Heaven, cracking jokes with the other angels and watching out for all of us down here. I don't have any solid evidence to back me up, but I just know that you and Grandpa are reunited and watching over all of us all the time. I hope you're making him smile and laugh the way you did for us.
I'm so glad that you didn't have to go through a long and painful illness. I'm so grateful that you never had to leave your own house and that Sammy and Shadow were with you until your last day on earth. I'm thankful that we had those 4 extra years with you; in that time, I learned the true meaning of grace, humor and unconditional love. I feel your presence with me here in China and I know you will watch over me for the rest of my life.
Your never-ending strength and good humor was such an example to us when you were here. I strive to integrate those same qualities into my life every day. Sometimes I fail, but I'll never stop trying.
I want to end this letter to you with a poem I've recently come across. I think it's mainly been used during funerals or memorial services, but I see it more as a celebration of life. It completely captures the way I like to think about your continuing presence in my life.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Mary E. Frye
We miss you so much and will love you forever.
Love,
Merritt
