Dear Judd,
We're writing because -- well, you know why we're writing. You got the, like, hundreds of e-mails we sent, man. And we know why you're ducking us.
You've been using our lives in your movies for too long, Apatow. We want our royalties.
Don't even try to deny it. Every movie you make, it starts all over again. It's like you've been following us around for the last six months. "The 40 Year Old Virgin"? Ted was not amused, man. "Knocked Up"? That was the worst nine months of Alan's life.
You're a Hollywood big shot and your name is on every hit comedy that's come out in the past five years. Writer. Producer. Director. And every movie, it's the same thing: a loserish dude is redeemed by a hot woman who won't stand for his loserishness anymore. Well, we're not losers, Apatow. Stuart has had a job for, like, a year. Tony has an interview on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week; they're going to call.
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But the next time some hot woman comes into our house and wants to like, date one of us? Well, that will be the first time, man. You can't, like, have your cake, too, or whatever. Hot women don't go for dudes like us. They're intimidated by our intelligence and our excellent beards.
Anyway. Josh saw the preview for "Pineapple Express," and he said it's just like what happened to him and Carl when Josh tried to kick through his car windshield and got his foot stuck. That's, like, the fourth time you ripped off a story from one of us! You expect us to believe that's a coincidence? No way, man.
Ted's dad is a lawyer, and we're totally going to call him soon, because this has been going on too long.
First it was that TV show. We downloaded that the other day, which we assume is legal since it's obviously our own lives. Nobody would tell Jesus he couldn't take the Bible out of his hotel room. I mean, right?
"Freaks and Geeks"? You even had to make fun of us in the title. So did you, like, go to high school with us or something? Is that the deal? We all talked about it and we don't remember any dudes named Judd. We're pretty sure we'd remember a dude with a name like "Judd," and we don't remember you. We looked you up on the Internet. You look like Astro from "The Jetsons" in that one episode. The one where Astro got super-smart and the top of his head got big because his brain was supersized. That one.
Besides, we weren't freaks or geeks. Harold was on the fencing team one year. Sword fighting, man. That's not for geeks. That's for ninjas. It was cool back then. We didn't care that you were ripping us off, even though that big-boned red-haired dude who's in all your movies looks just like Carl. We didn't watch that show, even when Marcus was like, "Dudes, I swear, it's about us."
Fine, whatever. Good for you. We didn't say anything.
But now everybody is watching your movies. Entertainment Weekly magazine said you're the No. 1 smartest person in Hollywood, and that test was probably wicked hard because we heard Mary Hart is awesome at trigonometry.
But people wouldn't think you were so smart if they knew what you were doing to us.
How about that time when that virgin guy got his chest waxed? And then he was like, "Oh, Kelly Clarkson?" That was all Ted! How did you even hear about that? It's like you have tiny cameras in our brains!
That whole movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was like a chronicle of the tragedy that is Ted's life.
OK, so Ted's only 30. So? He collects action figures. He rides his bike everywhere. He works at Circuit City. The worst thing is that he even looks like what's-his-name -- that dude from "The Office" with the expensive haircut. Steve Carell.
MATT SAYLES/ASSOCIATED PRESSJudd Apatow
For a while there after "The 40 Year Old Virgin" came out, people kept coming up to Ted while he was trying to fix people's DVD players and asking him if he'd ever done The Deed. Well, so what if he hasn't? Ted's waiting for the right girl, you know? No, you don't know, Apatow. No way, man. We've seen your wife. She's in all your movies. Easy for you to make fun of virgins when you're married to Leslie Mann. There's no hot lady like Catherine Keener coming from the eBay store across the street to give Ted her number. Not gonna happen.
And that's what's really frustrating. You keep adding these women to our stories. Women won't talk to us. We don't have jobs. We don't even have cars. We have pinkeye, man. You stole that, too, for "Knocked Up." So, what, do you have people following us around? Is one of our friends a spy for you? Is it Steve?
When Alan got that girl pregnant, that was not all funny and lighthearted. That was depressing, man. We didn't sit around making sex jokes and growing our beards out. Well, maybe we did, but we were, like, supportive, too. And Alan just sat there crying for about a month and a half. You didn't put that in the movie. Besides, Beth is nowhere near as good-looking as the chick from "Grey's Anatomy."
How would you like it if Alan wrote a Broadway musical about being married to the woman from "Big Daddy?" (Yeah, that's right. We looked it up. Nepotism much?) If you keep this up, Alan is totally going to do it. He's already working on some of the melodies, in between taking Beth and their unfortunate-faced child to the zoo. Well, we're lawyering up, Apatow, and we're coming for our money.
Here are our demands:
1. $1 million each, except for Ted, who gets $2 million on account of his particularly unpleasant suffering at your hands.
2. You make a movie in which some loserish twentysomethings sit around smoking weed and cracking jokes. But get this: They're women. Ugly, loserish women. Then some hot dude (Viggo!) comes in and is like, "Oh, I'm so into you." And the women take off their glasses, revealing that they were secretly hot all along. We just blew your mind, right?
3. You introduce us to the women in number 2, above.
4. Marcus wants a new PlayStation because his fell in the birdbath.
5. We want to be in the credits from now on. "Inspired by" and then all our names.
Listen, Apatow. We're not losers. We're not fodder for your comedies about immature man-children who are redeemed by strong women who would no-way-ever date dudes like us. We're people, man.
People who want royalty checks.
Yours truly,
Your Source Material
