Dear Dad,
Yesterday, was May 3rd, the anniversary of the day I lost you forever. I can’t believe it has been 13 years since the moment I sat next to you in your hospital room as you took your last breath.
As difficult as that moment was to watch, I am eternally grateful that I was there with you as you slipped away from us.There is no place on earth I would rather have been at that moment than at your side, where I so gladly spent my entire life up to that very moment.
On this, the 13th anniversary of your passing, I find myself asking the same questions over and over again since that fateful moment that I don’t really think I have an answer to as yet. Did you know I was there…did you hear what I said and do you know how much I loved you and how much you inspired my entire life? I just can’t get past not knowing the answer to those questions. As much as I try to move on, I feel the exact same way today as I did 13 years ago when I lost you. I have learned to live with it, but the questions never go away.
I try and live every day the way you would want me to, especially where Ethan and Evan are concerned. You would be so proud of your grandsons and my biggest regret for them is that they never had the chance to meet you.They recently told me how glad they are to have me as their daddy, which immediately took me back because that is the way I felt about you as far back as I can remember. I would like to think that I am the kind of father you would want me to be, and if I am, it is only because I had the best example any boy could ever have.
It never ceases to amaze me how often I hear your words when I am talking with the boys, especially when we are trying to figure out a problem, or when they need to understand the ramifications of their actions.
The greatest compliment I have ever received was when I was out in California and talking to the boys on the phone. At the end of the call, Jamie and Jennifer both commented on how listening to my interaction with my sons reminded them of you and when you used to call and talk with each of us anytime you were out of town on a business trip. I wasn’t expecting that from them and had a difficult time concealing my emotions.
So, here I am, 13 years later and still missing you just as much as ever. If I could have one wish, I wish we could talk for just 5 minutes…that’s all just 5 minutes. I need to know you are ok and I hope with all of my heart that you were waiting for mom when she arrived last June.
I am only writing this letter because I talked to you about everything, especially when something was bothering me and you always had the answers, which is why I think the last 13 years have been so difficult. I am bothered by the fact that I don’t know if you knew I was there when you passed because I really need to know that. I have faith that somehow, somewhere and at some point, you will let me know.
Do me a favor and give mom a kiss for all of us and let her know that the three of us are getting through this the best way we can and will be just fine.
I miss you so much dad and still love you as much as ever. How about this…if I need you, I’ll talk and you listen……that will give me more comfort than you could possibly know.
Your loving son,
Jon
