Dear Male Gender,
I have been writing about relationships for a few years now with the goal of helping women understand why you act the way you do. First, I want to say that I really do love your gender. I have learned a lot about myself through relationships with some of you. And without you, I wouldn’t have the amazing job that I do, so thanks!
At the same time, I think you should know that some of your actions are really confusing the ladies of the world and causing a large amount of unnecessary pain.
A lot of my readers ask: “Why aren’t you giving all this advice to guys? They’re the ones who need it!” This letter is my response to that.
So let’s get right into it.
If you are no longer interested in seeing a girl, please tell her instead of ghosting. Sure, in your mind you’ve realized that she’s not for you, that it would never work. And maybe you’ve convinced yourself she’s on the exact same page, so you see no reason to reach out and state the obvious. Well, in most cases she has not reached the same conclusion and is instead spending the majority of her day checking her phone to see if you’ve texted, and racking her brain trying to figure out what went wrong.
She’ll replay the last interaction, looking for anything she may have done wrong. She’ll come up with excuses for your behavior… he’s having a busy week…he doesn’t want to seem too eager…he likes me so much and is afraid of these feelings so he’s backing off.
Her days will alternate between hope and despair. When it gets to be too much, she’ll probably send a friendly text your way, in the hopes that it will bring some level of clarity. When she does, you will probably respond in one of two ways, neither of which will help the situation. One, you’ll reply with something casual and friendly, giving her a false sense of hope that you’re still interested and everything is fine. More often, you’ll ignore her text. Some women, the ones who can’t see beyond a thick cloud of denial, may think you lost your phone or broke it or there’s a service disruption. The others will realize that you’ve “ghosted” and will feel extremely hurt and confused.
They won’t know what caused your sudden shift and this confusion will morph into self-doubt. When the next guy comes along, she’ll be more guarded, more cautious, she’ll be on the lookout for bad signs, she won’t be able to trust herself or her judgement. I mean, she let herself like you, and you made it seem like you really liked her back, but obviously that wasn’t the case and now she won’t be able to stop the self-doubt from creeping in. She won’t be able to enjoy the next relationship, she won’t feel hope and calm, she’ll be anxious and on edge.
Yes, I know how uncomfortable the breakup conversation can be, it sucks for both people. But man up and get over your fear of looking like the bad guy because what you’re doing makes you an even worse guy. If you aren’t interested anymore, tell her. Even if it’s only been a few dates, call her up, tell her you think she’s a great girl but you don’t think it will work out. Will she be hurt? Yes, rejection always hurts. But you will be doing her a big favor, whether she realizes it or not.
I’m sure you have had experiences with women where you weren’t quite sure how she felt. You would text her and she would respond in a pleasant, friendly manner. Maybe she’d agree to go out on dates, but deep inside you didn’t really know how she felt. You may have gotten angry or thought she was a tease. In the end it turns out you were right, she wasn’t that into you. But she strung you along for weeks and you’re pissed. I think you’d agree that it would have been much better had she just let you know the ugly truth as soon as it was clear to her.
If you like a girl, just tell her! I get it, maybe you’re afraid of rejection, maybe you think she’s too good for you, maybe you don’t want to put yourself out there. But you know what? Without risk there is no reward. Admitting you like a girl doesn’t make you weak, it makes you confident and women love confidence. And if you don’t like her, don’t waste her time. Don’t keep her around because it makes you feel good to have a woman who likes you, don’t keep her as placeholder until you find something you actually want. It’s just mean.
Call her, you know, on the phone– There’s a funny thing about smartphones, they also have this feature where you can hit someone’s contact info and then somehow you’re able to hear their voice and talk, yeah talk, like with full sentences, not abbreviations and emoticons. Fine, in this day and age it’s all about the texting, but a phone call is nice and unexpected and it shows you care and showing you care isn’t a bad thing!
Please think twice before you say things, words have weight. Since you are the less verbal of the two genders, it’s understandable that words carry less weight for you. However, you should realize that words do matter to women.
Don’t tell her you like her more than you’ve liked any other girl, or you could see yourself marrying someone like her unless you actually mean it because she will believe you, and when the truth is revealed, she will be hurt and her ability to trust men will be compromised. Have you ever dated a girl you really liked but couldn’t get her to trust you and open up? You tried to break through her tough exterior, but you just couldn’t. Maybe you genuinely liked her and were being real, but chances are the guy before you wasn’t and now she doesn’t know what to believe.
Don’t lie to her. I know sometimes you’re afraid of how a woman will react to certain things. I get it, I give advice for a living and sometimes I have to tell women things they don’t want to hear and have to brace myself for a not-so-pleasant response. I could placate them and lie, but that doesn’t do anyone any favors. Women are a lot more logical than you give them credit for. Does the truth hurt sometimes? Yes. But you know what hurts more? When a trust is broken. The scars left behind from deceit take much longer to heal than feeling momentarily upset by the truth. Be honest with her, she’s tougher than you think.
QUIZ: Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?
For the love of all things holy, do not call her crazy. Women are more emotional by nature, and that’s what makes them so wonderful and gives them the other qualities you love so much, like how compassionate, empathetic, and nurturing they are. We are different from you and these differences are important, they are the reason two people can encourage each other to grow and be at their best in a healthy relationship. Don’t dismiss her emotions because you deem them illogical, or think she’s just being a “typical girl,” or it must be “that time of the month.” Let her express herself and hear what she has to say, even if you don’t fully get it, because a lot of the time she has no idea where you’re coming from either!
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I don’t want you to feel blamed or attacked. I really love your gender and want the same happiness for you that I do for my female readers. If you follow my advice, I know you’ll go far and will find the happiness and love that you want, even if you won’t (or can’t) admit that you want it.
Lots of love,
Sabrina
