Dear Kim Jong-un,
Kim Jong-Un clapping
Hey, we wanted to drop you a note about your country’s threat to “…exercise the right to a preëmptive nuclear attack.”
You know, we’re all down with countries looking after their own interests and borders. It’s cool that your country does that. Maybe you’ll be upset by us saying this, but we do that sort of thing too. Our methods are a little different, but our nations are alike in that general respect.
Ah, respect. That’s pretty important to us both as well. Do you know why we respect you? Because of your choice of Dennis Rodman as your friend and favorite basketball player.
You see, if you’re going to pick a favorite player from those Detroit Pistons teams of the 1980’s, you’ve got to avoid Bill Laimbeer. If Laimbeer came to see you last week, we can assure you that you’d have gotten no respect from us. Laimbeer was a dirty player and a flopper. Either one of those things should disqualify him from anyone’s list. We honor your decision to exclude Bill Laimbeer.
Rodman was a great defender and never a flopper. But, well, we aren’t telling you anything you don’t already know by saying that the man has issues. We know you and he are friends, and you’ve got to stand up for your boy. All of us get that, and we respect that you will. But you know he’s a mess. You hung with him, you have to know it. No one is asking you to call him on it, but you know it is true, and so do we.
We have a saying here, “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose”. You picked Dennis Rodman, and we’re happy for you both. But you made a big mistake. Your mistake is even bigger than picking Dennis’ nose.
English: Chicago Bulls Dennis Rodman 1995 - 19...
Human Shield (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
You see, after Rodman came to visit you last week, he came back here. You could have kept him there in North Korea, with you. That would be completely within your powers as the man in charge, but you let him go and he flew right back here. Here, to the United States. The same United States that you now want to bomb.
You’re a bright guy, Kim Jong Un. We think you see where we’re going with this. Step back from the rocket launcher. Do it nice and slow and no one has to get hurt.
We’ve got Rodman. Bomb us, bomb your best friend. It is as simple as that. You might say that your buddy is a human shield. If you did, we might say that you’re right.
We respect people who think things through carefully. We’re sure you’ll carefully consider the meaning of what we’ve told you, then make the right decision.
Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
The United States
