My friends don't understand the overwhelming calm that I have and the attitude that I have towards spending 23 years of my life with a man who can turn out to be "Gay". I need to tell you why I accept everything you are and everything you have become. I cannot however, deal so well with the jealousy I feel now you are settled and enjoying a particularly quality lifestyle with your 25 year old Asian boyfriend, a man half your age. I've seen you together and I know you love each other, but I fear for your long term relationship not withstanding the age difference. When I first found out your interest in men, our youngest son, was only 2. I was home for very long periods of time alone with three children under 5, as you were in the armed forces and patrolling the seas and guarding the country we called home, Southampton, UK. Your tears, when I challenged you, were genuine. You said that it was a mistake, that it would never happen again, and I couldn't walk away. My love and respect for you was immense and I believed you. I am a trusting sole, and could not bear the thought of our 3 beautiful boys not having you around (even though a lot of the time you were not around). I know you took advantage of my trust and every time after that incident, I still believed you. And again. And again. Your denial and lies where what hurt me the most, but I didn't know the back story. I didn't know the heartache that you had endured being tortured with the person that you wanted to be and couldn't bring yourself to do it. So you lived an almost double life. The drama that I have endured over the last 6 months, both myself and your boys, are the most traumatic that I have had to endure.
And when you asked that question "Did I do that?". I still said no, and the answer is 100% yes. I have sold my sole, my belongings and possessions to keep my head above water.I am bankrupt and still owe thousands of dollars. I will have to work for 12 months and literally have no life just to get back on track. I have dredged up strength to deal with the trauma of having two teenage boys addicted to weed with no income or employment, and made decisions that I never though I would make. Yes it was hard literally living on 2 minute noodles and 85c bread for three months while I saw you #babes instragram photos of nights out at the Opera house, dinners in Chinatown and the most romantic valentines day treats I never even got close too in 23 years. Then, I have to deal with moving interstate to be where you live because I'd had enough of the lifestyle on the Gold Coast. Y'know, the place you took me to leave me there after your 2 year posting there.
You knew that you would do it, leave me there with three boys and you could move back to Sydney and start your single life. 10 months it took. 10 months of continuous lies, friends asking questions and still being told over and over again - "I'm not gay - you got it all wrong". Your heart was damaged by stress and had suffered 6 heart attacks, high blood pressure and after having a stent placed and being on patches to keep your arteries open, finally knew you had to come clean. My friends were in shock, and two years on since it all began, some still have trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am so ok with it. But I want to tell you that it breaks my heart that when you took your first boyfriend home at the age of 17 and announced that you were gay, and that the black hearted man who was a racist homophobic beats it out of you, is a scar that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
I am not bitter because you wasted 23 years of my life, because I know you loved me, love our boys and are now the true happy person you should have been in 1983. And for those of the curious nature that always want to ask but feel that its a bit weird, yes the sex was always good. I am chewing on the embers of our dampened fire because I cannot get the vision out of my head, of the moment when our over elaborate ridiculous pomp and circumstance wedding moment when the priest states "Speak now or forever hold your peace" - had your family on your side of the church with their fingers crossed and praying that I just said "I do". So they could put there demons to bed. "See, its just a phase and he's not really gay". Just one of the sentences uttered at the reception between family members. Truth is - if anyone had come to me the day before my wedding and told me that - I would have dismissed it and married you anyway. We were inseparable, in love, and had met, married and expected our first child in less than a year.
Crawling out from under a rock after 23 years is the hardest thing to do and I am now realizing that I have improved with age and bringing in the cougar hunters. The sad thing is - you don't care and won't get jealous of the low income single income lifestyle I lead, because your dual income fancy lifestyle is 10 fold of mine. But my place for you in my heart will probably never waver. Because I want you to be happy and at peace with yourself. It must have been like serving a prison sentence. There must have been moments when all you wanted to do was to tell me, and leave. But you didn't, until you thought it was the right time. The gratification that I have is the fact that the bond I have developed with our two youngest boys is something I never thought I would feel. I know things are tough right now for them and I have been the one that has been there to wipe the tears, stroke the forehead and go without myself just so they don't have too. But I have something more than I think you will ever understand. When they are straight, when they are on their feet, when they are walking down the aisle, christening their first born or celebrating a milestone success in their lives, I can stand at the back, and take a deep breath and say - "I did that".
