Dear America,
I know we have never been close, you know, with our borders separated by great expanses of Canadian wilderness and the roiling waves of the Pacific. It hasn’t helped that we don’t have much in common—you, always agonizing about first world problems, and us, always working tirelessly just to stay warm. You might not realize this, but when we travel to America–yes, we call you that—we oftentimes experience culture shock. The concrete and skyscrapers are as extraordinary as Panamanian jungles.
It is really no surprise to us that you love to visit. The mountains and glaciers. The scenic views. The whales doing their things. The moose doing their things. We love tourists. We know why they visit. We enjoy their silly questions, like when do you feed bears in the national park? or what time should you look for the northern lights in the middle of summer?
Tourists, generally, are old and we expect them to be silly while they are checking off the boxes on the bucket list. Summertime attracts another type of visitor—the summer birds, the seasonal employees who come to Alaska for an experience of a lifetime.
Please pardon my frankness, America, but we really need to talk about the group of summer employees you sent this year. I think before you allow these young migrants to leave the comforts of their home environments, you might take a few minutes to show the young people the appropriate attire for traveling out of one’s home environment. To say it straight—if young people want to dress like clowns at home, we don’t mind, but remind them that they look foolish outside of their homes. Yes, Alaska is judging them.
In case you don’t know, here are the problems.
A knit hat has several purposes. It can (and sometimes should) be worn to keep dreadlocks contained in a little hair diaper, or it can be worn to keep your head warm. The latter becomes most useful during the winter. During the summer it is important to know that knit hats do not need to be worn over one’s head, since it is warm outside, not cold. Wearing a knit hat during the summer makes us wonder if you are from Florida or if you understands the principles of warm clothing.
Knit hats are also worn to cover the top of the head. Generally, they are pretty easily fitted to one’s head. The lower opening of the hat should run across the forehead (above the eyebrows) and across the top of the ears. It seems idiotic to type instructions for wearing a knit hat, but many of your young people, the senseless young people wearing knit hats during the summer, don’t even know how to fit the hat atop the head. When I first saw such unique hat placement, I thought I was looking at a decorative Yamaka. The second time I saw such uncommon hat placement, I thought it was a Yamaka making a political statement. The third time that I saw such hat placement I realized the placement was not unique or uncommon, it was reckless and ignorant. I’m really worried about these kids. If they don’t have the critical thinking skills to place a hat correctly on their head, I don’t think they will posses the thinking skills to out maneuver a charging moose. I think it best these seasonals not be allowed on our glaciers. If they are cold when they are off the glaciers, they will freeze without parkas and wolverine ruffs while on the ice.
Another problem: I’m not sure how to address this one. Did you know that men are now wearing tight pants. The pants are tight all the way down to the ankles. I asked one fella if he mistakenly put on his girlfriend’s pants. His reply tried to make it sound as if I was the crazy person, but I know better than that.
I’ve been asking many friends to help me derive conclusions about why men would wear tight pants. These are the answers I’ve received:
Kicked in the head by a mule.
Dressed by little sister.
Visiting from Eastern Europe.
Wranglers shrank.
Fabric in short supply.
Alaska is happy that you have embraced beards. It’s great that our fashion is catching on. Bearded men wearing tight pants and knit hats on the back of their heads during the summer need to return to your state. They are a disgrace to the beard and are no longer welcome here, unless they are fine with us pointing and laughing. We might even take pictures. To you, grizzly bears might be exotic. To us, you are an invasive species. We are trying to determine the best method to remove you. Hopefully ridicule will work.
Lastly, today I saw a woman walking down the side of the road with a fox tail (I think it was a cross-fox) dangling off her rump. Enough said.
Next summer, America, please send us your best and brightest.
Best,
Alaska
