I refuse to begin this letter with pseudo pleasantries that would make my words more palatable for you. It's been approximately 5,333 days since you walked out the door never to be seen again. It sounds like a movie where the villain gets a reprieve instead of being forced to participate in a final duel with the hero (which would surely result in his demise). It's funny how my 18-year-old brain processed trauma in that brief moment. It was almost as if I stepped out of myself and watched the exchange taking place from a corner of the hallway. There I stood, an insecure girl with the complexion of coffee, displaying a smile that could warm your body on a cold winter day. Opposite you stood, a young man I was intrigued by, inspired by, and once held by. To me, I felt like every moment we shared was special. I felt like there was a connection. I felt like you cared. As I stood in that hallway searching your expression to understand your thoughts, I wondered why I felt so much sadness. I displayed a smile but my heart was in turmoil. I was thinking to myself, "this man that I am intrigued by, inspired by, and connected to wouldn't leave me here." Even if we're not "meant to be together" we can surely be friends, but it's funny how perspectives work. Looking back, I see that to you I was a naive young woman who got her wires crossed. See your goal was never to stay, you weren't intrigued by me, there wasn't a connection, you were merely passing the time. For me, 18 meant I was just beginning my life but the irony is I felt like I knew so much but in actuality knew nothing at all. Despite being only a few years older than me, I never realized that you had already lived a thousand lives. Looking back now, I understand that it was pain and emptiness I saw in your eyes. You were leaving for good and had no intention of telling me. As quickly as you drifted into my life you drifted out, but the evidence of your presence remained. I watched you walk out the door not even stopping to glance back in my direction. There in the hallway stood an 18-year-old girl with a complexion as smooth as a cup of coffee who possessed a smile that could warm a cold heart on a winter day. I stood there with hopes, dreams, ambitions, and an unborn child. I stood there alone, processing what had taken place. At that moment it struck me, that none of the memories mattered. The only thing that mattered is that I was going to be a parent and you chose not to be. You left that day and decided to go ahead with your life leaving me to figure it out and put my dreams on hold. Everyone tells me that you don't owe me an explanation. They may be correct but that doesn't make my desire for an explanation go away. 14 years of figuring it out, while you were able to continue with your life like we don't exist. My initial reason for writing this letter was to make myself "feel better". I figured maybe getting all of my thoughts and feelings down would make the pain of the rejection go away but now I just hope that you maybe you'll see this and learn about the amazing child you walked out on. It's truly amazing how two chaotic imperfect people could create such a loving child. Our child is considerate and confident. Our child is respectful but knows how to communicate. Our child is compassionate and ambitious. Our child is adventurous and but careful. Our child is an amazing gift from God. For many years I was so angry with you for walking out on our charming child, I realize now that if you had the love to give you would've done that. I understand it's hard to give something that you don't have. My prayer today is that God will fill you with love to the point that all you can do is share it with others. Our child is wonderful and it's too bad you don't want to experience it, but I pray that you show love to those around you. Don't leave them with the same emptiness that I had when you walked away. Be present, be connected, and show love.
