To You

Subject: To You
From: From Me
Date: 28 Jan 2016

I hardly know where to start to be able to properly express the way that I feel. I have feelings of hurt, sadness, abandonment, betrayal, anger & regret. As a teenager, adults would think our love was cute. Like it was immature and had the smallest chance of survival. We knew better.

We were partners and through whatever came at us in the course of young adulthood and life, we would find our way home. And it seems just like yesterday young adulthood came and went and life is precisely what happened. College, graduation, new relationships, loss of loved ones, travel, jobs, had a kid! Life happened. You went through a hard time, and I wanted nothing more than to be what you needed but I wouldn't be the one beside you. That position had been filled. You asked me to wait for you. You looked me in my face and asked me to wait for you, and so I did. I would have done anything for you.

And while i started to see a change in you, you would always remind me who we were to each other and of the bond that was between us. The 17 year old inside still believed this was the realest love. Still believed that we'd have the best stories to tell our children. If only I had known then that things would never be the same and that the person I loved with literally every piece of my being was no longer present.

I was patient and I was kind. Your actions were confusing. You lied to my face and became hostile and mean. The person who would had once run a mile for a tissue for my tears thought nothing of walking away from me and leaving me in the cold. And things change. Relationships change. They end every single day, a concept I'm well aware of and would have accepted if given the truth. But you were selfish. You kept me on the hook, hung a carrot over my head to keep me close enough to continue to hurt me. You took advantage of my patience and of my love for you. And countless times, right on time you set a bomb and walked away from the damage. Unscathed. Unbothered by the shrapnel stuck inside of me. Always able to carry on with the regularly scheduled program of your life with no explanation or regard to what had been done. To the pain that I felt from the 1 person I'd never think in a million years would hurt me.

My home stopped feeling like a home. It now came with feelings of pain because everything in sight reminded me of you. In an effort to move on, I found myself in a "relationship" that couldn't have been more unhealthy. I struggled with wanting to be loved and wanting that partner I thought I had in you. Years later, as the shoulders I've cried on progress naturally through life with marriage and children for whatever reason I still never require that +1. I'm guarded and cautious and sensitive and carry feelings of hurt. None of which you are to be directly blamed for as much as I'd love to blame everything down to my chipped nail on you.

The truth is that I stayed too long, I allowed you to lie to me and manipulate me and keep me hanging for years because I loved you clearly more than I loved myself. I was holding on for dear life to someone who ceased to exist and due to this I wasn't able to see the truth. I was completely blind to the craziness of the situation. I thought you still loved me.

I'm at a point now where I want different things in life. Where "good things come to those who wait" and "it'll happen when you least expect it" are mantras that I've become all too familiar with. While I guess these things are true, the fact is that I just may not get married. I just may not have children of my own. I wake up, go to work, come home, go out if possible, engage slightly in social media and go to sleep.

Tonight I saw you in my Facebook "People you may know" section. You look happy. The type of person who broadcasts your happy relationship. Good for you. You have a relationship and a child and you appear in photographs to be happy although most people do I suppose. Hell, I probably appear the same. And all I could think about is how after all of these years seeing your face still puts the tightest of knots in my stomach. How I've felt thrown away like trash in a fire yet you are able to still have the good things in life.

Life is crazy and comes with many twists and turns and bumps in the road. I still will remember the good times that we once had. I also don't believe if you truly loved someone, you ever stop having love for them and because I believe and trust in God, I will always wish you the best. Proper closure was never received from our situation and I pray that in writing this out that I've finally provided it to myself. Best of luck in all that you do.