To the NSA Worker Monitoring My Search History
Let me explain myself before you find anything that crazy – not in the "I'm guilty" kind of way, but in the "clearly there's a mix up" way.
I'm a writer. A crime writer, to be specific. A crime writer who has to do some crazy research sometimes. Call it a problem of the digital age: for someone like me, college student, stricken with laziness, the library just isn't the number one destination for answering the little questions, like how to remove fingerprints from a dead body.
That "can you kill someone with a dumbbell" search really was nothing more than commonplace goggling to give the central murder for my book some authenticity. It's going to be one of those cases where the murder occurs in the heat of the moment, and the killer simply grabs whatever's right in front of him. In this case, a dumbbell. (I swear, I don't even own a dumbbell.)
"How to rob a grave" is the same thing. Trust me, I have no interest in digging up Great-Grandma Rose anytime soon.
"How many years do you get for killing a police officer?" There had to be an insolent teenager who tried some bad moves in one of my books, and I needed to know how long he'd be locked away for pulling a stunt like that in real life.
Please, please ignore the "what happens if you get shot in the balls." From what I read, it's pretty bad, and I mean only my characters would be tempted to inflict that kind of injury. I swear.
Also, about all the drug searches, you know, the "what does it feel like to be on speed" and "how to snort cocaine properly" – those aren't me either. I was trying to decide on an illegal stimulant one of my characters was going to use to give himself to strengthen himself in order to carry out revenge. I decided speed was too out of character and went with cocaine. Honestly, check anything surrounding that block of searches – I have not searched how to snort cocaine since.
Please don't be alarmed by the "what happens when police seize your drugs" search either; a drug bust from the point of view of the cops was going to be an opening scene in one of my books.
Finally, when I was looking up all those searches about 14-month-old cognitive development and how to tell if you're pregnant ... it was for a character in a book. Honestly.
And no, I don't have any ostriches stowed away in my dorm room.
Sorry for the alarm; feel free to return to scanning for signs of terrorists.
Sincerely,
Writer
