Why not me?

Subject: Why not me?
From: G
Date: 11 Jun 2020

Oh Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, why are you so deep into the very heart of me?

If you come in and don't make eye contact, speak to Feet first, I feel deflated, utterly deflated, I feel my heart wince and I try to make eye contact with you, but you avoid it... You feel my excitement and pleasure at your appearance, but you struggle with acknowledging me when others are there why? Maybe I do this too, I know I speak/look first at others to throw them of the scent that I worship you above all others.

Just a look from you, a sign, a smile anything that makes me feel seen by you lightens up my life. And then I am loath to let you go, when you are sat in the room I am compelled to watch you, to will you to turn around and talk with. I crave your attention and this is bad for me Cooks.. very bad. It leaves me feel wanting and needy. So when you are not there and it's just me Feet and Tricky I feel seen and heard. They laugh and joke with me and I think less about you until it get's close to 2pm and I can feel my self willing the clock hands round from 12 onwards. And then you appear and my soaring heart plummets because you don't do your little shy smile with your tongue poking just a little out of the corner of your mouth and your eyes sparkling and impishly happy because you feel how happy I am just to see you.

Today you are all about the job again and I am a drain on you and something to be avoided. You are weary of me and worried that I will blurt something out in front of them about you and I. You are sheepish around me, because you are quite cowardly really and you are not sure what I am likely to do. Well, guess what... nor am I.

I oscillate from giddy, foolish, slavish devotion to a spurned and wounded love in 30 seconds of your arrival - dependent on the face you give me.

I so want to feel nothing for you. Why do you want me in your life still? Why do you want to be friends and still contact me, when you won't consistently be with me? Why did you start this affair and then not go all the way? Why did you tell me you didn't want me to stop coming on to you? But mostly you just rebuke me softly/aptly. Only craving my attention when I feel nonchalant about your presence. Why do we only fool around on your terms, on your timescale and why is it only fumbling and never full blown? Why risk your woman for that? Why tell me I am your bestie and cry with me when I said you should stop letting in anyone who wants to love you and find the one you love?

I know I am the right one for you. I know it Cookie. It is as plain as day to me that we could have a beautiful loving, lasting, passionate, exciting and companionable life together. I know I match you in adventure, risk and loyalty. I know I can sooth you and reassure you a million times a day, every day and never get bored or jaded or annoyed to do so. I know I can make you smile still on your darkest day. I know I can take the mental pressure off by my understanding of your emotions. I know I love to be in close proximity of you. I know I love your smell, your touch, your taste, the sound of your gorgeous, sweet, lovely accent. I couldn't wish for a sweeter friend, or kinder man, or a more meticulous man. I just want all of that to be for me, instead of those few crumbs I've had since late November.

And now my heart feels heavy and achy and empty without your lovely nature to shine in it. I wish you were alone. I wish you could feel about me the way I feel about you.

I wish when you first came on to me and chase and chased that I had returned your persistent clamouring, maybe then we'd have slept together and bonded in our union. I fear my time has passed and you will never again try to win me over.

I hope you do, as I really cannot say goodbye Cookie, and I really can't leave you alone, well not without good cause.

If only you could open up your heart further Cookie, dispel your fears and let me in, I would be the best girlfriend in the world for you.

All my love,

Your G xx