Let me start by saying that I am not an American. I don’t have any bets placed, no business ventures, I have no dog in this fight. I am not afraid for the future of the economy or that of politics. I am not enraged by the doom predicting articles that proliferate across Facebook. These things are bigger than us, they may shudder and heave but ultimately they have a way of righting themselves. Yet when I woke up to the news on Wednesday morning it shocked me. And as the morning progressed it grew into pain which culminated in a feeling of devastation. What has happened.
It is not the economy or the government that worries me. I am aching because I am facing head on that the ideals that Trump has represent are ideals that people out there want. It is the blatant support for bigotry, racism, sexism and so much more that is so affronting. It is the idea of fear and power and anger. And It is how we as individuals and society go forward after this.
There are many levels on which this result is troubling. So many issues have been stirred up as we have waded through this election. The blatant disrespect for difference in any form that has been so troubling. And I do not feel it is my place to decry the damage it has done to many of these issues. But I there is one issue that I feel I have to bring up and can talk to.
The notion of sexism. I know that there are too many factors to mention that played into this outcome. I know that it is not only sex and gender. I know that there where innumerable reasons why people disliked Clinton. The nuances of which are hard to understand outside of the US. But I cannot pretend to not be inspired by the idea of a female president of the United States. It captured a hope that had never been ignited.
It presented the possibility of alternative figures of leadership. like so many women I have spent much of my life being told not only what to think but also how to think it by old white men. The sticky breath of a man who stands to close to you while educating you on how the real world works. Or the bemused expression if you have an opinion. Or the assumption that you will know where the tea is kept. Or the just the complete disregard for your presence when the man talks to the man you are with.
So there was something dazzlingly bright to me about a women running for president I could not help but be in awe. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I like her or trust her but I do respect her. If for no other reason than her bravery. And determination. And refusal to accept that women should accept subservient roles. Her ability to challenge men and not pamper to them with “excuse me’s” and “I’m sorry’s”. Because it reminded me that being a woman is not something to apologize for, and nor is having an opinion.
You see, she turned up. She saw the sexism that deters me so often and faced it head on. She was showing that despite the demeaning, hateful rhetoric the battle is being fought by many. The discrimination you experience doesn’t have to be a life sentence, even if you have bowed to it in the past.
So not only did she lose, but she lost to that. And I think that’s what hurts, that that’s what gets to declare this a victory. She lost because we chose bigotry and misogyny, the things that chip away at our dignity everyday we get up and face the world.
You see despite knowledge of Clintons shading dealings there is a whisper in the back of my mind that asks on repeat “would it have been different if she was a man?” Would the candidate have been disliked so intensely for the numerous scandals that swirled around her if it wasn’t a her but a he?
It hurts to be told in this marvelous world you can be anything if you are a good person who works hard and then to see this. Don’t misunderstand me I do not think the world works this way, but I had hoped that this perception sprung from future we where working towards. As children we are taught that hard work is admirable, that sharing is caring and that bullying is bad. Yet Clinton is detested for her long determined political career. And what conditions are placed on sharing, only share with people “like you”? and only bully people who can’t fight back?
I had hoped that I would be able to turn to young girls you daydream of princess’ and point to the president and say “Look, there’s a different kind of princess.” But I can’t, not yet anyway. For now, the I will continue to look up at the wall of old white (save one) men and see only that which alienates me.
I don’t think the heartache comes solely from the results. I think it is also shock at the blatancy of people’s distrust and dislike of one another that deepens this pain. That someone that has been so carelessly cruel and demeaning can be so supported is devastating. It is a personal affront when the things you idealize in the world are so openly rejected. I could be accused of being a naive millennial but maybe that’s not a bad thing. We’ve all been young and youth has hope. It is the ability to see a different future and imagine a better world. And there is value in that. In the ability to risk the futures we have yet to build instead of protecting past gains. And in many ways protecting past gains is something that this election seems to have been about.
Change can be threatening and frightening. And fear is a powerful emotion. So Instead of electing a person who might have been able to build a place for people to come together and overcome their fears we let the fear in and we choose someone who wants to build a wall. We have so much to learn from each other, form our mistakes and our victories and divisive narratives are only detrimental to the inevitable progression of a changing world. We seem to be so caught up in the flaws of the broken system that we forget to learn about the realities they created. We see only the cracks not what they reveal as we rush to patch them over.
That is not to say that what is broken should not be fixed. Because these systems we rely on are broken. They are archaic and hierarchical but we need to find a way of fixing it that does not further entrench the mistakes of the past. To do so requires looking to one another and asking the questions and challenging ourselves and feeling the fear but not letting it control us. Because fear does not have to become hate. To turn fear into hate is a wasted opportunity. Because where there is fear there is an unknown and that is an opportunity to learn, and we all have so much to learn. Fear doesn’t have to be bad, its only bad when we let it, unchecked, decide our future.
And we can look around and start pointing more fingers, at the FBI or whoever else we find to blame but in the end we can only look to ourselves. Which is why today I will grieve. I will grieve the loss of what I had dared to hope. But tomorrow I will get up and I will put back on the game face. I will continue my struggle against broken systems and fear because I cannot believe that the majority of people hate one other. I have hope, and I will continue to foster that hope amongst myself and others so that one day one of the other hopeful can get up and turn that dream into a reality.
