Dear dad,
I'm writing this to you, not to hurt you, but to heal me. I'm writing this to put all my feelings out on the table and then close the book forever. I sit here wondering how in the world am I 36 years old and you and the subject of you still bothers me as much as it does. How in the world do you have such an impact on my feelings and emotions and my day to day life when I obviously have no impact on yours. How is this possible?? Why at this age in my life do I still long for the father/daughter moments my friends have always had and still continue to have?? Why do I miss something I never really had?? The hurt and anger that go along with just those questions is almost unbearable, but you know what hurts the most? The part that hurts the most is growing up your entire life thinking you weren't good enough, thinking that noone would really ever truly love you because your own dad didn't love you, your own dad didn't fight to be a part of your life. Why dad??? Why wasn't I good enough?? I loved you so much. You were supposed to be superman to me, my hero forever but instead you let me down in a way noone else ever could. You made me doubt ME, you made me spend countless hours wondering what I did to make you not love me, you made me wonder a million what if scenarios in my head. Since having my own children, I just don't get it dad. I spend so many hours wondering how do you sleep at night?? How do you have 2 daughters that loved you so much that you have nothing to do with??? Didn't you want to be our dad??? Didn't you want to know us??? To have us know you??? Why doesn't it bother you that you don't know our favorite colors, or our favorite flowers or our favorite song or movie??? Why doesn't it matter to you that you don't know what our faces look like when we are so excited we're going to explode, or what our face looks like when something touches our heart, or how our eyes light up when we find something funny???? Why dad??? Why don't these things matter to you?? I can't imagine not knowing all of these things with my own children. I want to know every single last detail that make each and everyone of them who they are. Inside and out. Forever. You know what else hurts so badly?? The fact that my kids don't have a grandpa. They don't have a grandpa to teach them things their mommy cant. Like about football, or hunting, or fishing. They used to ask why they didn't have that, they don't really ask anymore....I guess that's part of life, once you get used to something, you quit asking and it just becomes part of your norm. You betrayed me in such a hurtful and disgusting way. You took my issue of not trusting anyone to a whole new level. A level I didn't even know existed. So, I just want to end this letter with thank you. Thank you for not loving me enough. Thank you for teaching me that I dont need a man's love to know my worth. Thank you for teaching me early on that I had to love myself, that I had to be proud of myself. Thank you for teaching me what kind of parent I didn't want to be. Thank you for teaching me that all the little moments count, even when you think they are trivial, that they are huge. Thank you for teaching me how to love no matter what, even when someone doesn't love you back, to love anyway. Thank you for teaching me not to let the actions of other people harden my heart. But most of all thank you for helping me be the mommy I am. You see, without all of your actions maybe I wouldn't have realized all the importance of the day to day little things that go along with being a parent. So for that, I am greatful. I hope that you realize that this letter wasn't written out of hate or to make you feel bad. Actually, this letter wasnt really even written for you. It was for ME. It's time for me to let go of all of the hurt and disappointment. It's time for me to move on. So just know that in the future, I will continue to be me and treat you with kindness and respect, but also continue to keep you at arms length. You are my dad and you always will be but that's it. A title to a man that could have had so much more to go along with it. I'm sorry you missed out on knowing the real me. I'm sorry you missed out on knowing my kids inside and out but most of all I'm sorry I never really knew you. I wish I would have.
Love,
The daughter you never really wanted
