Turning Point

Subject: Turning Point
Date: 18 Oct 2018

I appreciate you coming to the appointment yesterday and then talking afterwards; it was very important to me and I felt it was a big step in the right direction for us even though the conclusion I drew was that I don't fit into your life right now. That realization hurt, made me feel hollow and devalued, it felt like a betrayal. I'm sorry we're at this point and am disappointed in how I've caused you to feel the same; in retrospect every action or situation or argument that got us here is clearer than day.

I love you, <insert name here>. and in a way that is all-encompassing, "for better or for worse". You deserve to be and should know you are loved and cared for, and I'm sorry you don't feel it from me, but it's still there. It makes me sick that over time I let that feeling you had slip away, I don't know why I didn't show or tell you because it has always been there, I think I don't know how. I don't want to lose you/us because in my eyes I believe we were a good team, we had a partnership; we have gone through so much together and on our own that I think we did not realize at the time the stress, changes, emotions, were much greater than what we could handle on our own; we needed reinforcement, support. But, that's why yesterday's appointment happened, to take action and get that support, better late than never.

I really do have faith in us as individuals and as a couple, we can overcome the complacency, disappointment and hurt to get us to a stronger position than where we were. You said your anxious about the fact nothing in the past four years has changed; the changes might not be tangible, but there has been change. It's even harder to see the positives, but they're there and we fail to recognize it because they're not readily apparent. These positive changes are incremental, and will start to build up.

This space is doing nothing but driving us apart; I am scared if we don't focus on trying to rekindle what we have left... That's it. You said you were afraid of this as well, after too much time apart. I'm afraid I will loose you because I don't know how to help you or help us on my own. At the same time I am willing to fight for this alone, doing so as a team would be so much better.

This entire time all I've wanted to do is reach out, reconnect and grow closer and I can't, I don't know how, I'm afraid that you're not receptive - I can't seem to stomach the potential rejection and disappointment. Making a list oh what we want from a partner is good step in forging some connection but I don't even know what the list will do but point out what we're lacking. What about the qualities we have that we appreciate and admire in one another, that drew us together in the first place; what about the positives that are right in front of us and holding us together for all these years? Might not feel like those positives exist but they're there, we were not good at being vocal or showing our appreciation for it. And it's something I know I need to work on.

Im sorry to just let all this out on you and it might be too much - I know I'm stating the obvious and I'm rambling and I'm anxious and scared about this, we've talked about it all before. I needed to share this with you.