To all of you out there that think that I’m not grieving properly for my partner. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you don’t see me every evening when I put my son to bed. I’m sorry that for the first few months after he died you didn’t see me when I had to get the kid his usual 4am bottle. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you aren’t here to witness the lost look on my face when I close the blinds each night. I’m sorry that you’re only idea of grief is the floods of tears kind. That I’ve disappointed you by not falling apart. I’m sorry that you see me with my makeup on and you presume that I just don’t care. Maybe I wear that to maintain a sense of normality. Maybe things aren’t so simple. Not so black and white. I’m not sorry that you haven’t had to go through what I’ve been through. I’m not sorry that your future hasn’t been shattered into a million pieces. I’m sorry that I haven’t reacted in the way that I’m supposed to. I’m sorry that I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. And mostly, I’m sorry that you truly believe the things I’ve done were not done out of a sense of vulnerability and grief but with a malicious intent instead. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed so many people. And I’m sorry that I’ve been judged. I’m sorry that I was lonely. And frightened. I’m sorry that I was only granted two and half years with my love. I’m sorry that we were so happy that it could have been ten years for all I knew. I’m sorry for all of those that have turned their backs on me. I’m sorry you’re not here to see me calm the kid down when he has a meltdown. I’m sorry that I have no one to help me. I’m sorry that I lost the rule book for grief. That my lack of tears couldn’t possibly be due to shock. I’ve made mistakes. I never claimed to be perfect. I never claimed to know how to handle this tornado I’ve been swept up in. I’m sorry that you weren’t there at 5.30 this morning when I woke up in a cold sweat after having a dream about him. I’m sorry that you’ve presumed the worst. I’m sorry that you think I’m selfish. And cold. And unfeeling. I’m sorry that he had to die. And I’m sorry that I still have to live. I’m sorry that I’ve been left alone. And I’m sorry that you just don’t care.
