This is to tell you what you can't (or won't) hear right now. I don't blame you. I loved him, too. A part of me still does, and probably always will, even though I don't want to.
This is because I can't warn you. You wouldn't believe me. You would think I'm a crazy stalker ex. You would think it's weird that I know your name. But the thing is, that when someone discards you so completely the way he does, when someone you love completely, completely destroys you in every single way possible, you do start to go a little crazy. You question everything. You wonder if he's done this before. You wonder and wonder and wonder, until you start looking for clues, to make sense of any tiny piece that you can. You grasp at whatever you can to try to understand.
This is because I can't help you. It's already too late; he's got you hooked and nothing will convince you of what's coming, until it happens to you. Until you see it yourself. And it's not a question of if, but when.
This is because I don't want him to do it to you, and I know he will. I want to spare you the heartbreak, the utter mindfuck that is to come. I know that I can't, which leaves me feeling helpless, both in the sense of leaving you without help, and being powerless to prevent it from happening again. I have never met anyone else like him before, and he will impact my life for years to come, both in terms of impacts on custody with my kids and in terms of affecting future relationships and how I view people.
He did it to me, and he's doing it to you, and he'll continue doing it to you, over and over again, until you decide you can't take it anymore. It's a pattern, and it will always be a pattern because he doesn't see a problem with it. He can't and won't change. Ever. Period.
He's using you. He's lying to you. He's making out with (and/or sleeping with) other people while he's dating you, just like he made out with other people while he was dating me. He kissed me two months after you started dating him. (And I'm deeply sorry about this; when he kissed me, I didn't know he was dating someone else, just like the girl he kissed when he was dating me didn't know he was dating me.) He'll go on trips with you and tell me that he wants me while he's with you. He'll convince himself that a fabricated story is true, and lie to you about it. Maybe you'll hear from multiple friends, like I did, that they saw him do it and then he'll magically "remember."
He will cry, and convince you that he loves you more than he's ever loved anyone else. He'll probably tell you that you showed him what love really is. He'll make you feel bad for him.
He's lying to you.
He'll have multiple different jobs during the time you're together. He'll be unemployed for more than half of the time, and blame everyone but himself. He can't keep a job because he lies, he steals, he erupts and causes problems everywhere he goes. After he gets fired, he'll tell you that he's going to work. He'll make up stories about how crazy his shift was, or what some customer said to him, or what his co-worker did that was idiotic. He'll make up these stories, unsolicited, and tell you. Meanwhile, he got fired months ago, and when you find out he's been lying for months, he'll try to make you feel bad for him. He did this to me. He did this before to at least one other, too. He'll do it again.
He'll brag about being good at manipulating people. This one is actually true.
He'll look at your phone, your texts, almost every night. If he has access to your computer, he'll look at every single document on your computer.
He's lying to you.
He is smart as hell, and funny, and hot, hot hot. Trust me, I know. But underneath it, he's nothing. Worse than nothing. A ghost of a human being that can't even keep track of what he's lying about and what is true. When he found out about my schooling, he said he had two masters degrees. Next time I brought that up, he said he "must have misspoke." I don't know if he even ever finished college. I could fill a book with the lies he told me. In fact, I might.
He'll steal from you in any way that he can. He will definitely steal your soul. He may steal other things. He may live with you and never pay rent. He did this to me. He did this to his previous girlfriend as well. He may have you pay for trips or things or meals because he's broke because he's not working. He may prevent you from selling a car because he wants to buy it, and then not have the money to pay you, which he'll tell you with a sheepish grin after he sits in the bedroom while you apologize to the family that drove hours to buy your car, money in hand. He'll ensure that you come off as the asshole, not him.
Eventually you'll see his temper. Not right away, but he can't hide it for forever. And when you see it, it will make no sense, and it will be terrifying. You'll catch someone's eye who sees a glimpse of it too, and you'll try to apologize for him, but that will only enrage him more. He'll give you the silent treatment, ignoring every word you say to him. You'll try to figure out why he's upset and you'll be worried, but eventually things will seem to go back to normal and you'll be in happy love, but it will just keep happening.
He won't be able to have a conversation without turning everything around on you. If you tell him you were hurt by something he did, his response is always "well you ______."
He'll tell you he had a vasectomy. But he got me pregnant twice. TWICE. The second time even after he assured me he would pull out. He didn't. And he won't wear a condom. Because he "can't."
He'll make you feel bad for him. Because I was "the only girlfriend that didn't hit him." Because his parents were abusive. Because because because. And yes, any of those things he describes, if even partially true are awful things. But that doesn't give him the right to be awful to others.
He'll make you feel like the most desired woman in the world, and yes, this is an amazing feeling, but it is all show. A month ago he said he wanted me. In reply, I said, "you want everyone." He was instantly pissed, which is how I know it is true.
He is as sexist as they come. Pure and simple, he thinks women are inferior to men.
Don't buy any books on Narcissistic Personality Disorder; you can have my copies. If you're anything like me, you at some point will spend hours upon hours reading about this topic. He's the one that actually clued me in at some point. He actually asked me, "do you think I'm narcissistic?" I was not aware of the personality disorder, and obligingly answered "no," because he didn't spend hours preening himself, in accordance with my understanding of the word. It was after that question that I started to read about the full disorder, and it helped me understand him and our relationship, but it did not make it better. I was never one of those people that deluded myself into thinking that I could change people, but I did believe that he could and would change if *he* wanted to and tried. This is false. He controlled his public outbursts better for a period of time, yes, but: nothing. else. changed. The projection, the lying, the completely irrational discussions, the walking on eggshells, the silent treatment, the inexplicable anger, the unreliability: none of it changed.
This letter is because no one should have to go through any of this, though I know there is nothing I can do, no matter how much I want to help. It gave me great comfort to talk with others that truly know him, and I would offer that to you, any of you, if and when you want.
Finally, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're going to go through what you have to go through, and that there's nothing I can do to help, other than be here.
