Hi You,
This is the story of your life. As short as it was it was full of love.
I discovered you July 15th, 2017. I couldn't believe it at first. I wanted you so bad but I didn't believe you would happen yet. I was in total shock. I started dreaming of your future. You were coming at the perfect time. Five weeks before your Aunt Kaitlyn's wedding and three months before camp. I couldn't have asked for a better time.
But first I had to tell your Daddy you were here. I waited another day to be sure then put my plan into action.
Your sister took a nap that afternoon so I convinced your Daddy to let me run to town. I found a shirt for your sister... "I am the big sister" and a book "I'm a big sister".
I got home and your sister was up. I handed her the paper. I have it to her to give it to Daddy. It said "Pink of Blue? Either will do! Mommy's due with Baby #2! March 2018". I didn't know how Daddy would react but he did smile. Your sister, on the other hand, didn't find it so joyous. She was sleepy and took the proof of you. We have pictures of Daddy holding her and the proof of you while she screamed. It made an adorable picture. Showed what she thought of the times to come.
We told your grandparents, aunts, and uncles over the next day. We were so excited. Our next bundle of joy was on the way and I couldn't wait. I looked forward to labor. I looked forward to pain because it meant I got to hold you. I wished the months away.
Halfway through the week I went shopping. I got maternity clothes. A shirt that had a big sparkley bow on the belly. It was perfect for Christmas. I would be 28 weeks then and was MASSIVE with your sister then. I got your sister a sleeper that said "Best Sister". I showed your Daddy the clothes so excitedly.
Thursday I had a dream you were a boy. I started dreaming of your name. "Bayleigh" or "Brenna" Elizabeth and "William Joseph" were my favorites. Your Daddy wasn't a fan but I would have worked on him.
Friday I just knew. Your Daddy told me to relax, it was going to be fine. Nothing was wrong.
I called the doctor. They called me back and said they doubted anything was wrong but I could do blood work "if I wanted to".
I went in. They drew my blood. I cried because I knew what everyone else seemed to not believe. I waited.
I got the results. I was right. I was at Grandma and Grandpa's. I sat outside in the grass and cried while I told everyone.
The pain started that afternoon and the proof you were gone that evening.
I lost you. 6 days. I only knew about you 6 days. In 6 days I had made a life for you. I had dreamed of you. I had planned for you. I had loved you.
Your sister would have adored you. I was so excited for you to grow up together. 21 months apart. That's all that was to separate you. Not the space between heaven and earth.
She knows. Your sister knows. I think she can sense the pain I am in. She's only 12 1/2 months but she knows you are missing. I hug her and thank God that He gave me her before losing you. I don't know how I would do it without her.
Daddy is okay. He never really bonded with your sister until he held her. I'm glad for that because it is easier on him. It makes it harder on me. He didn't feel the changes my body was starting to make but I did. To him you were just an idea starting that he wouldn't see until March... To me, you were a reality.
I mourn for you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I lost a piece of my heart when I lost you.
I'm glad I had the chance to know you. I could never regret my child. I just wish it would have ended differently. I know there is a reason but I wish I knew what. One day maybe.
I love you. I always will. I will see you again. I'm glad you are with our Lord. If I couldn't hold you... I'm glad he does. Say hi to GG Pappy for me. He'll teach you all the ornery stuff we will never have the chance to teach you.
Keep an eye over us but especially your sister. She gave you kisses while you were in my belly. She loved you without knowing you.
Oh, Little One, you are so loved. I don't know how to say goodbye... So I'll just say see you later... Until we met again. ❤️
Love,
Mommy
"An Angel from the Book of Life wrote down my Baby's birth & whispered as she closed the book 'too beautiful for earth'".
