I'm hurting too. I know that's selfish to say, and I know my actions were wrong, but my heart aches too.
My feelings were real and I know what you are going through, to doubt when someone tells you they care for you. I know what you think of me now and I have to face that because of the choices I've made in loving a man that I knew belonged to you, I have become those names you called me. That makes the sting worse because I know I can never change that. I want you to know I knew better and I will never try to justify my actions to you, I admit my wrongs. Hurting you like this was never my intentions. He was always meant to be yours despite the way he spoke to me and made me feel. Each time he tells me he needs me still, it drives the knife in my chest a little further knowing what it's done to you.
I should have been the one to comfort you and hold my arms around you while you hurt, not the one you caught in his. Actions, even those clouded by emotion, have consequences. Those were not the actions of the woman my mother raised. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I know that would be too much to bear. Just try to see that I am human underneath it all. My heart aches too, I've lost too. I have a deeper love and respect for you than I can express, though I know that is hard for you to believe right now, and it kills me to know I was a part of your pain. You didn't ask for or deserve any of this, but neither did I. I love and respected him as well, and when he came to me seeking comfort, I selfishly only thought to soothe his needs and please him.
I want you to know I did consider the other side of this, your side. He knew my doubts and guilt, he comforted me and I allowed him to push them aside. I should have never made that mistake. I will not blame him for it either. You were a better person than for me to believe what he said about your delicate relationship.
I wish you had talked to me, told me what was going on; I wish I had asked you to. I know I can never undo what I've done, erase those images from your mind and heart, but please try to understand that this is not the person I am. This one act of horrible human error doesn't change any of who I was before, I am still that person.
I spend every day of my life trying to convince myself of that, that I am still me and not the monster my decisions paint me as. I want to say I'm sorry, but I know you've been hearing that all too much lately and it doesn't hold much meaning anymore. It certainly doesn't for me. Instead I will show you, in any way it takes that I do not want to be "the other woman" in your man's life and I do not want to be a part of any more heartache in yours. I want to close by telling you you can do better. You deserve a man who you want in your life and wants you in his. I chose want over need because I have learned through all of this that it is better to be wanted than needed. Needs can be met, and once they are little thought is given to the person fulfilling them, but wanting is a conscious and unconditional choice. I may have been "needed" by him in that moment, but you were WANTED. You deserve to be loved like that. And I want you in my life as my friend, but I understand how that is not possible, and it hurts me to know I ruined the chance to call such a strong and amazing person my friend.
With the sincerest thoughts and feelings,
A fellow aching heart
