Self confession

Subject: Self confession
From: Yourself
Date: 10 May 2021

I let it happen.

I ultimately don't understand myself and I think that's why I let a lot of things that happen(ed) in my life happen. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I let myself get walked over. I'd like to blame it on thinking I just have too big of a heart and always search for the good in people but I know that's just an excuse. In reality I just don't stand by the boundaries I set to help myself. I see the problem but I do nothing to fix it or stop it.

I'm trapped in a relationship I know is no good for me and will only hinder my future. ---I fell for an alcoholic who has no dreams or ambitions to do anything differently with his life--- There is literally nothing about this relationship I see pushing me towards the life I want. I see the repeating cycle and I want it to stop but I let it happen. I try to breakup and do what my entire soul is telling me will be better and then I go right back to this relationship that is draining the very essence of who I am. Why? Because I care about this person? I want them to change. Because I'm emotionally invested? I'm emotionally drained. I can't sit around waiting for something that will never happen. I can't fix a problem that isn't mine.

I'm going to spare the boring details because I feel like I've written them a thousand times over and they're really nothing original. Besides, I already know what I need to do--what I want to do-- but instead I am here writing. Beating around the bush, pushing off what will be good for me yet again. Why do I do this?
Why can't I break off?

I'm trapped in a relationship that has already lived it's life. I'm holding on to old feelings and it's taking advantage of me. I feel wrong even writing that last part; "it's taking advantage of me". I let it happen. I let my ex use my body to get off because he says I'm the only person who can make him release. Still after three years. I still talk to him. I still let him use me. I just lay there like a plastic doll--completely lifeless-- while he uses my body for pleasure. I see the repeating cycle and yet I still let it happen. Of course this makes me feel used and just dirty but do I even have the right to feel this way and if I feel this way, why do I let it happen? Because I still care for him? I feel guilty. I left him and now he has no one in life to love him and make him happy in life because "I'm the only one he's ever going to love and make happy." I feel bad for him because I feel like everyone should have a love in their life to make them happy and live life with but ultimately I took that away from him when I left. I feel guilty. I owe him nothing. But I let it happen. Every time I do I lose a part of myself. I love him but it's a relationship I outgrew. I know with every ounce of my soul that there are no romantic feelings for him... it's just the bond and time we spent together I'm still holding on to.

I'm trapped in a relationship that's purely in my head. I fantasize about a married man I met trough work and it emotionally affects me. I let this imaginary relationship I dream up affect the way I feel because when I see him and interact with him in real life I always want more and when it doesn't happen I get derailed. Why does it affect my emotions? I want a happy relationship and at the moment he just seems to be the guy who's showing me what that could really be like. Really, I'm just unhappy with my current love life and need one that will benefit me and help me grow, not hinder me. I've become attached to this person because he showed me kindness and understanding when I'm not receiving any from anyone else.
Why is it that I feel like an almost complete stranger understands me better than my ex and my current?

Do I even understand myself? I do. I'm just not listening.