Subject: Sad
From: Myself
Date: 26 Sep 2021

I try so hard to act like I'm okay.
I try so hard it just drains me; I've no energy, I barely want to eat, and all I want to do is sleep.
But then someone looks at me and expects me to be okay and I have to put my "happy" mode on again.
I just want to brake down and cry. I just want all these feelings out of me.
But by the time I finally get a moment alone to fade out it's like the feeling have already been so repressed they just won't come out. So I just lay there...wishing I could just fall asleep so I can wake up renewed but my mind won't turn off; not thinking but not quiet either.
It's weird always being someone who people see as happy and easy-going when inside all I feel is a deep sadness that I wish someone would see; to just hold me and tell me it'll be ok. I just don't understand why I feel this way inside when I literally can't find a justified reason to be. It's all so complicated and frustrating.
Maybe it is better people can't see the sadness I hide because they wouldn't understand. I don't understand.
Maybe this is just the way of life.
We all feel sad sometimes. We all feel knocked down. Most of the time, we all feel as though we can't talk about it or show it. It is soo tiring.
I wonder if people ever take the time to look at someone and actually see them: if it's even possible. I wonder if people can find empathy any more.
My heart hurts for the world we live in.
I love it and yet at the same time I hate it.
Why do I have to feel so many conflicting emotions I can't make sense of.
I truly just feel like I'll never be enough for myself. I expect so much more. Of everything.
And this world is not it.
Correction..... humanity is not it.
That's generalizing but still...
I feel so deeply and care so much ..
It hurts.