Russian Roulette: The Odds Evened Out

“Russian Roulette" How did I manage to avoid this situation so many times previously? I left a trail of female hearts devastated, mangled, un-salvage-able in my wake. Not caring enough to turn back and assess the damage or help them climb out of the sad state I put them in. Did I just not care about them as much as I did you? Was it a familiarity thing? After all, we were together six years. Felt like 10 at the time we were dating. Now, it feels like we dated a few months that are as far away as my childhood. I can get glimpses, but never the full scene now. I wrote this to say, “I’m sorry”, to fully express how I felt/feel because I was so poor at it during our unceremonious, and at times, gut-wrenching, break-up. But; there was definitely something different about you. I still can look back and vividly describe the night we met. I can’t do that with anyone else. You walked into my apartment with a mutual friend. We were throwing a party in our small apartment, the usual college kid thing to do as soon as you move in with friends. It was cold, as it usually is in beautiful Colorado. You came in with your jacket and quickly removed it to show off your tan skin and great features that were topped off by piercing and mesmerizing bright brown eyes. You never wore that white lace shirt again after that. Maybe you didn’t think I noticed, but I did. I loved that shirt. We hit it off that night and stayed together despite driving 7 hours across Colorado just to see each other once every two weekends. I had truly fallen. But, I was still me. I still saw girls at my current university while we dated. Dana, Jenny, Iris, etc. I knew that I was absolutely crazy about you, but I also knew how to protect myself and know that I would always have the upper hand. Do what I always do; CHEAT. I felt bad, but never bad enough to stop. I felt like we still had a future, I moved to Denver after school….FOR YOU. ONLY YOU. I have a funny way of showing people I care. I do the right thing at times; but follow that up with a few screw-ups in a row. We moved to Denver and I didn’t know very many people. I was good for the first year or two. Legitimately. Didn’t meet another girl to hook-up with and I never cheated once. We were doing great. Moved in together after you finished school, we barely fought, we spent every moment we could together. This is it for me. You are going to be my wife…but old habits die hard don’t they? I got a good gig, but it was in a line of work that is littered with females and mostly females in their mid-20’s. I knew I had no self-control, but you still trusted me. I knew that was all for naught. I met Sara. I cheated. For months. You became suspicious, but careful not throw accusations around. You just became more mindful of what I was doing on my phone….which had ramped up activity in the past few months. I reassured you there was nothing going on. I was a coward. I am a coward. I’m sorry I did that. I kept fending off your inquiries, but the girls didn’t stop. First, it was Sara. Then, it was Talena. I didn’t lie. She was married at the time we became friends….but then she divorced and immediately started pursuing. I had no self-control. I was a coward. I cheated with her. For months. She moved to Minnesota, but that only ramped up the sexting and hiding behind your back. You were right. That did go on for months. I lied originally, but we were talking for months behind your back….all while I still talked to Sara occasionally. You became incredibly suspicious when Talena sent a card that said she loved me. I didn’t even know she knew our address. You should have left me that day. I wasted 3-4 more months of your life. You were right. I did waste your time. I did. You stayed with me. You said if it happens again, you’re gone. You should have known it was happening again. That very next week in July. I always had a thing for the HR girl, Janine. She was stunning, a former Avs dancer with fake features that had every man in our company wanting to ask her any HR Related question they can come up with just to speak to her….She reached out through LinkedIn. That’s why you couldn’t find the original messages… She thanked me for an endorsement, then immediately told me to text her. I couldn’t resist. I know what she was doing. I had no self-control. I was a coward. I’m sorry. She had just divorced and wanted to get to know me. A few days after Janine and I had started texting…it was already ramping up into sexy texts and pictures. A few days later, we had friends in town and I woke up to you saying goodbye to your mom out on the patio. I went out there to say good morning and to check on our friends who were heading to the airport. You wouldn’t look at me. I thought maybe you were just in a bad mood. I ignored it as we set off for the airport. You still wouldn’t converse with me. We dropped them off and I asked you what was going on. You said, “I saw Sara’s naked photo. I am moving my stuff out this weekend. My mom will be by to help.” You could barely get the words out you were so shaken and hurt by what you saw. I remembered I had a few drinks last night and got a text from Sara that was racy…I had Janine in my pocket and Talena never more than a text away and I still wanted to rev up Sara for the fun of it. I passed out, but after, she had sent an after shower picture. You somehow unlocked my phone to see it. I still don’t know how you managed to do that. I had changed my iPhone code the night before. But, I am glad for your sake that you did. I truly am now. I said, “That’s fine. I will do whatever you need me to do to allow you the time to move everything out.” My reaction made you irate and hurt you more than I ever thought possible. You cried and asked, “You don’t even want to work on us?” At the time, I didn’t. You were nagging me constantly about cheating on you. I was fed up and I knew I was going to start dating Janine as soon as we stopped. I was safe because of my usual cheating methods. I always have someone to fall back on. You wanted to work on us and I said we can take a break and think about what all has happened. You agreed and stayed with your mom that next few days. I was leaving to San Diego for work. I told you I was staying in a hotel by the airport and wouldn’t have my phone before the next day that I flew out. Partially true. I stayed at a hotel….not by the airport, but in Denver….with Janine. When I flew back in to Denver….I stayed that night with Janine again before driving on home to see the house and discuss us with you. I was a coward. I am sorry. Just reading that puts my stomach in knots. I sure had a hell of a way of showing that I cared about you. We both decided it was best to just move on with our lives. You had still only known for sure about the Sara thing, so I knew you meant it when you said, “I don’t want to just stop talking after 6 years. We were a huge part of each others lives.” I made sure you had to renege on that statement. Less than 24 hours after you moved out of the apartment we had made ours. I let Janine move in at her request. We lasted all of 3 weeks before I wasn’t fit to be in a relationship and she was hunting other guys. You still didn’t know, but when I asked for you to delete my account on your computer, you started searching through it. You found something that you will never forget. My iCloud account filled with saved texts, tons of naked photos of these girls…You were literally sick. I was literally sick. That you found them? Yeah, but also the first time I truly was disgusted with myself that I did that to someone. You never wanted to talk to me again. Ever. I managed to get you to email back and forth a few times, but you soon realized how much better you’re off without me. All these things; you know. It has been 7 months since we last communicated. Feels like 7 years. The last thing you told me was, “You wasted 6 years of my life, Mark. I’ll never love again. You have ruined everything for me.” You know all of those things now, but what you don’t know; is how often I think about you and how badly I botched that ending. You don’t know that I am dating someone currently and don’t even respond to other girls’ texts anymore. You don’t know that I re-run our final week together and yell at myself to run as far away from Janine, Talena, and Sara as I possibly can and to sit you down one last time and at least give you the satisfaction of knowing that I did TRULY love you and allow you to say whatever you wanted to say to make yourself feel better. And most of all; that you will love again. You have to open yourself up or else you will be miserable. You DESERVE love. You truly do. You deserve a man that is bright enough to realize how good he has it and that giving it up is a lesson in idiocy. You deserve that satisfaction of having someone. You don’t deserve to end up alone because of what I did so selfishly. Most guys aren’t me. I didn’t ruin you. I gave you a new chance at finding the real thing. Real love. I hope you are already in search of it, or have found it. Until a few months ago, I was still selfish about you. Still pissed you could just drop me like a bad habit after 6 years, even with what I did. “How could she just not care whether I live or die, or move to another country, or am dating a new girl? How could she just not give a shit after being so set on me and fixing us?” Until I realized you asked those questions for months on end after being faithful to me and finding multiple women on my phone. A lot more poignant and depressing questions. Your worth was questioned. I’m only feeling a sliver of what you did. I am learning to not be so selfish. You taught me more than you know. I am no longer as selfish. I don’t cheat on the girl I am dating. I make an effort to SHOW my affection and temper my mean-streak. I learned to not put myself in weird situations with other women. I have matured. I went from wanting you to communicate with me and being livid that you weren’t and could just forget me…to accepting that I will never be in your life again and hoping you have found someone. I still love you to death, JNH. I do. I truly, truly do. But it is a detached love. It has to be. You deserve that. My only hope is that one day I am forgiven whether I am told that or not. Tell your amazing family I am sorry. I played Russian Roulette with love for years. Never felt the effects. Only watched the others lose their grip on reality. You had the gun to your head and somehow it only grazed you and the stray bullet pierced me. It evened out. Sincerely, M