Rupert,
I just wanted to explain something to you...
I am insecure these days, something I am not used to. You see, when I was yours, there was no need to be scared as I knew we would last forever. I had to compete with nobody, compare the size of my thighs with no-one, look at another woman's perfect smile and feel no fear, see a girl with beautiful eyes and a perfect bum lingering round you and still not be afraid. You see, you were mine. Only mine. You had chosen me - over all others... and every evening when the corridors quietened and the hubbub ended, it was always my door you ended up at. You would come to me and say 'I'm heading home - see you in a bit.' I never felt threatened or envious like so many of my girlfriends had described. You made me feel secure.
Most evenings would start the same way - sharing the moments of our day in your kitchen while you held me from the waist and cooked with your free hand. We'd watch the world go past through the window as I washed the dishes (the right way of course, bowl-lessly!) You'd sit up on the counter and only be content when I was holding your hand or wrapped up in your arms. Even on the worst days, when I felt like hell, my heart could never truly be sad. I had you. Holding me tight, looking into my eyes, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the whole goddamn world. Your ridiculous dances, your naked pull ups, the way you'd break out into song or serenade me with your guitar (I will never forget you singing 'underneath your beautiful' to me.) Looking at the Esquire magazine together and arguing over what was 'stylish', burning pots and pans because we were just having too much fun and totally forgot about the sweetcorn on the hob... The memories I have of our time together are endless - they will last me until my last breath. A season of love, laughter and deep serenity. But like all seasons, this one would too have to end.
Even though you have moved on - I quite obviously have struggled. The thought of having you even if its for a few hours, in stolen moments and secret meetings, makes me feel complete. It keeps me going - my life has become orientated around your messages, your sightings in the corridor, the times you come and talk to me, and our two hours of pretence on a Saturday afternoon. I know this is damaging and ultimately I will have to go through another heartache when this stops for real. And I also know that this complicated mess we are in is stopping me from meeting my future, but I cant help but feel this is all I want. You are all I want.
So I apologise for my insecurity and my envious behaviour Rupert, but I cannot bear losing you all over again. Only this time I am afraid I may not survive it.
