Pansexual

To Pans,
People have been talking about our unholy union, how its wrong to love your long rubber handle, the smoothness that is your Teflon bottom. The way you whisper my name as the fat sizzles and pops inside you.
I know I am as confused as you. I have never knowingly expressed such longings before but if society says that's what being Pansexual really means. That I have an inexplicable attraction to inanimate cook ware then I guess that's what it means.
I thought it meant I was free to fall in love with whatever Human Being my heart chose, regardless of what gender they identify as.
I am so sorry, I know this must be confusing to you as well. To suddenly be told that humans find you sexually attractive and emotionally compatible. I make a solemn promise to you my dear pasta boiler, egg fryer and pancake maker. I will never touch or illicit sexual gratification from you without your consent and I will do everything in my power to avoid compromising situations.
I will only eat take outs, I will avoid the cookware aisle in the supermarkets, I will avoid restaurants that have pans hanging on the walls as decoration. But I'm scared what happens if I avoid all pans but my needs cannot be controlled and my family see me laying on the kitchen floor rubbing myself upon your recently washed chrome surface?
Surely there has to be an easier way?
Maybe we could make it work?