To you
I know you are hurting and I get that. I am in the same place too.
Trying to summon the strength in your legs to pull yourself out of your bed in the morning, just to sit and stare out of the window for what feels like hours. To find the words to greet everyone a ''good morning'' when all you really want is to be allowed to grieve and jump back into bed. Under the covers where you're safe - where you don't have to pretend.
Your days merge into an endless reel of up's and down's. Not up's as such - perhaps, mid's and low's is a better way of explaining it. Your friends must be sick of looking at your sleep-stolen bags under your tear soaked eyes, and your shoulders which never seem to be able to carry the burdens of your story. They keep telling you ''it'll get better'' or 'tomorrow's another day'. Hmm. It sure is. Another day to start all over again. To feel this excruciating and endless cycle of feeling like you're trapped in a dark cave.
I know the feeling all too well. Of suddenly awaking in the night with the feeling of sheer panic. Like you've forgotten something or you needed to do something and it has slipped your mind. Then the almighty punch in the stomach of the realisation. The coming to terms with it all over again. Well, the spinning starts again. You can forget trying ot fall asleep now! All that you can face is clock watching as a thousand memories of what was fill your tired head. The earlier ones bring a smile to your face... Some even make you laugh. You laugh and laugh until the tears come unannounced. And again, you are faced with the thought that these memories are simply a life that once was. A yearning, a pining, a desperation takes over and the quiet tears turn to loud sobs.
I know how it feels to see a couple in th queue in front of you in Tesco looking lovingly at each other. Holding hands and talking about a mundane evening of film watching and piggin out on the sofa. They have no idea what they have. What I would give for mundane!
I know, you know! I know how much it physically hurts to feel your heart aching for something you can't give it. How do you explain to it that the very thing it pines for is the same that caused it so many scars and bruises. I even know about how you wonder how it keeps beating day after day, under the strain of such deep wounds.
It true. I get that you're sad you may never love again. Because as I sit here and type this letter to you now, I still wonder that very thing. I contemplate whether that is me done! Perhaps, I am destined to feel this way forever. And possibly beyond that.
Okay, I understand that too... You let your guard down didn't you? You were always so hidden and protected behind those 10 foot walls you spent years building up. But he broke them down ey? Brick by effing brick he tore them down until there you stood. Naked and unshielded.
I am building mine back up. Slowly, mind. Because I don't know where he put all the smashed up pieces of brick. Some I found easily and I've laid a foundation. But some I think fell further afield. It'll take time won't it. A long time perhaps? But you'll get there. Only what if you don't need to... What if fate sent him to you simply for that very reason. To show you what you could have and to allow yourself to feel something beautiful and life changing. Maybe that's it. Maybe those walls aren't needed anymore. Because once they've been torn down and you are unprotected. You are also FREE. Free to love. Free to walk away from the spot you've been stuck in for far too long. I think that might be it you know. I think I've sussed.
So maybe, when you sit in the bath tonight and you can't think of anyone but him. And you can't help but wonder where he is or who he's with... You spare a thought for you. And your beautiful, broken, scarred up, battered, tied-up-with-string heart. Because its been freed now. Freed in order for you to use it to find the one who will make your world start spinning again. Because it will. I know it will...
Or so I've been told.
Love,
You.
