I literally dont know how to start this.. I guess ill start by saying that im sorry.
Im sorry for not realising and giving you what you really want, i got so self absorbed in doing what I thought was right for us but despite this please remember that I did love you. I loved you with the best of me even though its not what you needed.
You see, Ive been in this exact same situation. But at the same time its different from the others. Its different because for once i feel this heavy weight on my shoulders, so much sadness and hurt in me and its starting to take over the love i have for you. Its different because i think i actually havent loved this much before? Which i blame you for. I blame you because for that short amount of time all you showed me was how amazing you are, how despite your imperfections that you see i still saw you as perfect. I blame you because for once i felt safe, i felt loved and despite all the warnings i told you about making me feel this way and you didnt stop. You reassured me constantly and it made me give you all of me without holding anything back because someone as amazing as you deserves the kind of love that has no restraints, you deserve that kind of love. And i think thats why this time its different, its because you let me fall for you completely. I know within myself that i could make this so easy for me but i dont want to? Because im still so into you. Somehow, youve set the bar so high that im not sure if ill find someone else like you. But im scared? Im scared because as the days, weeks, and a whole month went by without you im starting to forget what you look like, im starting to forget what your voice sounds like and on those days i think im doing okay and that scares me. It scares me because im slowly getting better and I know that once I do then our book, our story will definitely be over. Cant you see? I still want us, and given another chance il be better, ill listen more,
Did you know? You are the first person I told you about my deepest, darkest secret? I guess i trusted you that much.
Did you know that youre still constantly in my mind 24/7?
Did you know that im getting tired of faking it? Faking to look happy so people would stop asking me if im over you.
Did you know that i really want to hate you? I really do, but i cant bring myself to do that. I cant because somehow all i know how what to feel about you is to love you.
Did you know? Everytime i wake up youre the first person that i still think of heck your the last person i think of at night and i ask myself “do you still think of me?” If you do then why dont you want me anymore? Why dont you want us anymore?
You see, growing up i always thought that being faithful is enough, being there person is enough, being the person that will look after them was enough, loving them unconditionally was enough, making them happy as much as i can was enough.. but i think im wrong? Because i thought i did all of those? Yet somehow it wasnt enough. You said youve never loved anyone so much as how much you love me? So how can you be okay? How can you be okay with us not being together anymore?
When i lost you it made me realised how much you meant to me. Everyday became dull and boring as we dont get to talk to each other like we used to. I missed the person who made me feel home. The person that will be there over for me waiting to facetime after my long shitty day at work and somehow everything was good again, everything was perfect again. And that was all because of you.
Everyday… Everyday i keep hoping that youll message me or call me to tell me that you dont want this and you want to fix this.. and the funny thing is despite everything id still choose that. Id choose that because what you cant seem to understand is that when i fell inlove with you I already said to myself im here for the long run. So yes, I want you, I want us, I love you, I still do. I still do with every bit of me. And yes, it still wont be easy, we would still have arguments left, right and center but id still want it because im willing to fight for us, id still keep fighting for us and all you need to do is give me another chance. But if you wont then I hope one day that if someone asks you what happened to us you wont have any regrets.
Id love to say that ill be here waiting forever but ive never really believe in forever. Remember i told you? Theres no such thing as forever but we can make it as close to it as possible. So, i have to start thinking of myself. I told myself that I will start my next year completely over you. So if somehow we still couldnt find our way back to each other then im letting all my love for you free. You were the best thing that happened to me this year. But maybe our memories are just meant to stay this year.
I love you with all of me but at the same time im getting tired of feeling like this everyday. So if you can read this I just want to say that i wish you all the best in life. I will forever cherished our memories but im gonna let go soon.
So im gonna end this by saying thank you, thank you for being a part of my life no matter how short. Thank you for being the best thing that happened to me. And thankyou for making me feel the love i did deserve even though it didnt last long. Goodbye and i love you
